Archive for category: Relations Between Couples

Question: Is temporary marriage lawful or unlawful? If it is lawful, then why do people dislike it? And if it is unlawful, then why is it unlawful? Would you please answer frankly? Thanks a lot.

The answer: Permanent marriage is the basis for this answer. The sexual instinct is the strongest in man after the instinct of living. This instinct must be satisfied in the below-mentioned cases; otherwise, it will cause bad complications. Temporary marriage can be practiced under the following conditions:

1. The inability to secure a permanent marriage because of financial difficulties or not finding a qualified spouse

2. The impossibility of making love with the wife because of her illness or something else

3. Traveling or being away from one’s homeland

Since the view of Islam of the needs of man is a real, curative, and purposeful view, Islam therefore has made temporary marriage lawful according to this clear Qur’anic verse, (And those of whom you seek content (by marrying them temporarily), give unto them their portions as a duty. And there is no blame on you in what you do by mutual agreement after the duty (hath been done). Lo! Allah is ever Knower, Wise).

It suffices us to ponder on the two words “Knower, Wise” to see that there is wisdom behind the lawfulness of temporary marriage in Islam, for Allah is aware of the actual need of man and He is wise in making things lawful or unlawful.

The end of the next verse confirms what we have said. The verse reads, (This is for him among you who fears to commit sin). He who fears to fall into sin because of his lust should practice temporary marriage though patience is better for one who can be patient.

The next two verses confirm this meaning where Allah shows His great mercy and accurate wisdom on the one hand, and on the other hand, He uncovers the mean goals of those who prohibit the lawful blessings of Allah.

Allah says, (And Allah desires that He should turn to you (mercifully), and those who follow (their) lusts desire that you should deviate (with) a great deviation. Allah desires that He should make light your burdens, and man is created weak).

Man has been created weak when it comes to his lusts and desires. It has been declared by the Creator, Who is aware of what benefits man and what corrupts him when He makes one thing lawful and prohibits another. Things are declared lawful to satisfy man’s weakness before those lusts and desires, and things are declared unlawful to protect him from what weakens him and destroy his happiness.

Umar bin al-Khattab has confirmed the lawfulness of temporary marriage at the time of the Prophet (S) when he prohibited it according to his personal opinion. He has announced, as mentioned in the sources of our Sunni brothers, ‘Two pleasures were permitted at the time of the messenger of Allah, but I prohibit them and will beat people for practicing them.’

In our sources, his saying has been mentioned as the following: ‘Two pleasures were lawful at the time of the messenger of Allah, but I prohibit them and will punish for them.’

Jabir bin Abdullah al-Ansari, the great companion of the Prophet, in the Sunni sources likewise, has said, ‘we practiced temporary marriage at the time of the Prophet (S), of Abu Bakr, and Umar, and then Umar prohibited it.’

Imam Ali (a.s.) has commented on Umar’s decision by saying, ‘If Umar had not prohibited temporary marriage, no one would have committed adultery except a scoundrel.’

This is an accurate social analysis, which every researcher in sociology and psychology arrives at. Because of these proofs, the followers of Imam Ali (a.s.) did not pay attention to Umar’s decision in order to not fall into adultery, wretchedness, and psychological and physical diseases of suppression, while most of those who heeded Umar’s decision and disliked practicing temporary marriage, whether from the Sunni or the Shia, fell into those sins and diseases. Consequently, the result of prohibiting and disliking temporary marriage is that the sexual lust forces some people to commit adultery and forces others to suppress their lust and face psychological diseases, except those whom Allah has protected and they are very few.

How odd it is to see that in Muslim societies, people do not consider adultery, ballrooms of the naked, scandals of the hotels, cabarets, and buildings in whose rooms are practiced all kinds of perversion as ugly while they consider temporary marriage, which Allah has made lawful and which Muslims have practiced during the time of the Prophet (S), Abu Bakr, and a period of Umar’s caliphate and which the Muslims who disregarded Umar’s prohibition have practiced, as ugly!

Who do you think is behind this silence or this encouragement of corruption and open debauchery? Who is behind denying the lawful blessing that Allah has determined as a mercy for Muslims and as a protection from falling into sins?

Is it not shameful recklessness and mockery at the Qur’an and the Sunna? Who is responsible for that and who should defend the Qur’an and the Sunna?

“It would be better for those who look for the welfare of man to have had freedom as ibn Umar has had. Ibn Umar often practiced temporary marriage. He was blamed for that. It was mentioned to him that his father (Umar bin al-Khattab) had prohibited it. He said, ‘I just have followed the saying of my father because he has said, ‘Two pleasures were lawful at the time of the Prophet (S), but I prohibit them and punish for them.’ I abide by his tradition and leave his own opinion to him.”

A lesson must be taken from this saying of ibn Umar. The Ulama’ should not emulate anyone having an opinion opposed to the Qur’an or the sayings of the Prophet (S). Fanaticism should not lead them to turn their backs on the Book of Allah and the Sunna of the Prophet (S), for they will spoil the general welfare and cause corruption. This does not befit any one, especially not the people of knowledge. If some people of the Middle Ages were so, the people of this age, in which freedom of speech is of the highest value, must be far above such conducts.

They should not be like the judge Yahya bin Aktham, about whom Ibn Khillikan has cited in his book (Wafiyyat al-A’yan) some verses of poetry that were composed to censure the Abbasids for their employment of Yahya as their judge:

It has been reported that once al-Ma’mun (the Abbasid caliph) saw Yahya play with a beautiful young Turk boy, insert his hand between the boy’s clothes and body, and do other things to him saying, ‘Had you not been there, we would have been faithful.’

Then al-Ma’moon commented on this event by reciting:

Yahya was so bad and was infamous for committing sodomy. However, when al-Ma’moon announced that temporary marriage was lawful and addressed Umar by saying, ‘Who are you…to prohibit what the messenger of Allah has made lawful?’, Yahya bin Aktham resisted him (al-Ma’moon) and began roving in the countries to incite people against him and to criticize him because he had permitted what Umar had prohibited. This dullness and blind fanaticism lose sight of the general welfare, bring corruption, and deny the mission of Prophet Muhammad (S) as the last of missions, because belief in the last prophethood and last mission of Prophet Muhammad (S) means believing that it is a sufficient Sharia to rule human beings and to satisfy all their needs however much they and their lives change. Thus, theUlama’ should be like ibn Umar. They should not emulate just anything. They should give fatwas according to the Qur’an and the Sunna of the Prophet (S), even if they have to oppose their fathers. They should not be like those who say, (We found our fathers on a course, and surely we are guided by their footsteps). The rulers of the Muslims should also be brave like al-Ma’moon for the sake of the general welfare. They should legislate laws according to the Qur’an and the Sunna, even if they contradict the laws of those who have preceded them. Thus, goodness will spread and corruption will be denied.”

Hence, we have confidently confirmed our clear opinion:

1. Temporary marriage is lawful according to the Qur’an and the Sunna and according to the confession of Umar that it was lawful at the time of the Prophet (S) but it was he who had prohibited it. Perhaps, he might have meant to prohibit it during his rule only, and so it was a temporary prohibition. Then, for what is this insistence on following this prohibition while the Qur’an and the Sunna have declared the lawfulness of temporary marriage? Is it to keep the doors of adultery wide open before furious lusts?

Many faithful men and faithful women live suppressed between their natural lusts and the suffering of difficulties and pains in order for it to not be said that they have practiced temporary marriage! Is this not ignorance that the believing men and women have been afflicted with?

For us, the Shia, temporary marriage is lawful. Once, Imam al-Baqir (a.s.) was asked about temporary marriage and he said, ‘Allah has made it lawful in His Book and through His prophet (S). It is lawful until the Day of Resurrection.’ And this refutes the false sense of its unlawfulness.

2. Temporary marriage is recommendable. It is reported that Imam as-Sadiq (a.s.) said, ‘It is recommended for a man to practice temporary marriage. I do not like for any man of you to leave this world without having practiced temporary marriage at least once.’ This also refutes the false impermissibility of temporary marriage.

To confirm the recommendations of temporary marriage, it has been narrated in traditions that the fall of the drops of water with which one performs ghusl after having slept with his wife in a temporary marriage is an excuse for his sins to be forgiven. It is also mentioned that Allah has prohibited alcohol for this Umma and has instead permitted temporary marriage.

3. The abuse of temporary marriage by some people is possible, but this does not justify prohibiting it or considering it ugly. Because there are many legal verdicts that people of weak faith can exploit for the sake of their bad personal benefits, is it right to annul these verdicts just because of this reason? Certainly not! These verdicts must be practiced according to their Islamic rules and morals to be lawful in the full sense of the word.

4. As for the one who has a wife in a permanent marriage, it is hated for him to omit her rights for the sake of the wife of a temporary marriage. It may be unlawful in this case if temporary marriage causes him to neglect his wife of permanent marriage and usurp her rights.

Therefore, Imam ar-Ridha (a.s.) said, ‘It (temporary marriage) is absolutely lawful and permissible thing for one who is unable to get married. Let him protect himself through temporary marriage. If he is able to get married, it (temporary marriage) is permissible to him when he is absent from his permanent wife.’

In short, temporary marriage is legally and rationally permissible in all cases unless it leads to disregard for the permanent wife, which means ignoring her sexual rights.

Though temporary marriage is permissible, it is not appropriate for one to practice it excessively until he becomes famous for it among people. One should pay careful attention to the moral aspects. He should be moderate and avoid indecency.

Let us be realistic and not follow our fancies to establish verdicts against the verdicts of Allah. A pious one never does that. I ask the readers, who are protective of their religion, to follow what Allah and His messenger have permitted because we are in an age where adultery is desired by many people and where looking lustfully at girls and women by non-mahrams has become the adultery of the eye, which causes problems of another kind.

However, even with all these recommendations and confirmations of the lawfulness of temporary marriage, I do not invite people to practice it except those who are in dire need of it, and then they must follow the juristic and moral conditions of it.

Question: My husband was a rich man, but later on his wealth was lost in a terrible economical crisis. After that his morals, mentality, and conducts changed. His face became angry, and his tongue uttered bad words. He threatened anyone and anything at any excitement. Our house became like hell, and our relatives and people decreased their visits to us and some of them stopped visiting us at all. I cannot help him except through speech, which does not change or reform him. Please, what would you advise me to do in order to save him and my children from the effects of this crisis?

The answer: In order to recover, your husband has to:

1. believe in asceticism and subject himself to it. It has been mentioned in a tradition that “he, who renounces the worldly pleasures, makes little of misfortunes”. Imam Ali (a.s.) has said, ‘All asceticism is between two words in the Qur’an. Allah has said,(So that you may not grieve for what has escaped you, nor be exultant at what He has given you).
He who does not grieve for the past nor becomes glad at the future practices asceticism from its two sides.’

2. strengthen his belief in the will and fate of Allah. Imam as-Sajjad (a.s.) is reported to have said, ‘O my Lord… delight my soul through Thy decree, expand my breast through the instances of Thy wisdom, give to me a trust through which I admit that Thy decree runs only to the best…’.

3. ponder over the dimensions of this tradition narrated by Imam al-Baqir (a.s.), ‘whoever keeps people safe from his anger Allah will keep him safe from the torment of the Day of Resurrection.’ He who ponders on this tradition will not throw himself into the torment of the afterlife after getting out of the torment of this life in order to not lose both.

4. know that the Giver is Allah and the Withholder is Allah too and know that a part of material losses belongs to man himself. Many times the losses come after having disobeyed Allah by lying, cheating, doing wrong, wasting, excessive misspending, and abstaining from giving the deserving people their legal dues. I do not ascribe these qualities to your husband, but I invite him to review the reasons of which he is aware and then try to reform himself first. If he truly reforms himself, Allah will grant him great livelihood again and abundantly.

Imam Zayn al-Abidin (as-Sajjad) (a.s.) said, ‘good saying increases one’s wealth, grows livelihood, delays death, makes one beloved to relatives, and enters him into Paradise.’

6. convince himself that losing wealth is much easier than losing one’s children or family and the loss of wealth is easier than the loss of health. Nothing is more precious than good morals and comfortable nerves, by which wealth and glory can be regained.

I pray to Allah to grant us a happy life with lawful wealth, even if it is little, and to keep us away from unlawful wealth, even if it is a lot, because it increases grief and distress and does away with the sweetness of living with loved ones and close relatives.

FOR A BETTER FUTURE

Question: The state in my house is not as I would like. I am tired when I come back from my work, I find my wife tired of the housework and my children let loose and noisy, I beat them but with no use, etc. I feel that my marital and family life is disorderly. I hope that you can guide me with what may illuminate my way and save my life from this disorderliness.

The answer: There are five educational facts you have to comprehend in order to get out of your troubles:

First, whereas when any one of us exhausts his powers in the problems of life and then looks for comfort in peace and quiet away from noises, children, on the contrary, feel pleasure and joy with disorderly movements and with making noises that annoy adults, though children do not mean to annoy others of course.

You expend your energies in working outside the house, but have you ever asked yourself where your child expends his energies?

In the past, houses were big with wide yards where children would spend their energies while their noises and cries would not reach their parents’ resting places. But nowadays, since houses are small with narrow yards, children should not be blamed for disturbing parents.

Second, a man, throughout the week, works outside the house while his wife works inside the house. On days off, the man likes to rest in the house after being tired outside it all week, whereas his wife likes to go out on her husband’s days off after being tired of remaining in the corners of her house all week.

This difference, if it is not treated with leniency by the two spouses and especially the husband, may become a cause for disputes and quarrels that also bring pain and boredom, of which children pay the costs.

Here, it would be better for the two spouses, who are different in their wishes, to understand and agree with each other, and then they can teach their children how to understand each other and agree with each other when their wishes are different.

Third, beating children without certain rules and criteria encourages them to commit crimes and repeat the same act they were beaten for. Let us be very careful not to lead our children to commit crimes in their childhood and adulthood through excessive scolding or severe beating.

Fourth, the father may say something harsh to the mother in front of the children, and this word may leave bad effects on their mentality and life while he is unaware of where these effects may have come from. For example, one day the wife might cook some extra food and then the husband would shout at her loudly in front of the children, “you have not tasted poverty to know the value of my efforts and the money I bring you!”

These words, which can be said in other ways and in private to the wife, can plant a fear of the future inside the hearts of the children and cause them mental disturbance and anxiety of the unknown. There is no doubt that this matter will be an obstacle that stops the progress of the children’s learning and affects their efforts to build their futures besides the fact that it will make them desperate and absent-minded all their lives. All this leads to disorderliness in life.

Fifth, try not to tire yourself with work outside the house, for your duty towards your wife and children is not only to satisfy their material needs. Psychological, educational, and spiritual needs are also important. These aspects require you to sit with them, look after their different affairs, and make them feel that you love and pay a lot of attention to them. It is reported that Imam Hasan (a.s.) said, ‘I wonder at how one who thinks of his foods does not think of his mentalities!’

Dear brother, man is a compound of body and spirit, the material and immaterial, the outward and inward. The food he eats satisfies the two elements, but the spiritual side may be the most important. Therefore, you should assign a certain time for your family. You should sit with them, enter their life, play, laugh, and be indulgent with them. The happiness and delight that you will get in this side, you will not get in the material side regardless of how much you tire yourself and regardless of what money and material needs you offer to your family.

FOR A BETTER FUTURE

Question: Fifteen years have passed since I got married. These years have been like a countdown of the love between my husband and myself. What should I do to go back to the love that was between us at the beginning of our marriage?

The answer: Sometimes the seed of love exists inside the spouses’ hearts, but accidents of life and discovering the defects and deficiencies of each other throw some dust on that seed and prevent it from growing in the marital life.

If your husband suffers from this, as I believe, then following these steps may restore your love as it was:

First, love will blossom if spouses try to water it sincerely with positive acts and if they overlook the negative acts.

Second, the goal of love is not controlling the beloved, possessing or monopolizing him as some women think. If love comes out of heart, it will undoubtedly enter into the other heart. Nothing will disturb it except selfishness and attempts to control the other, which has been referred to in traditions as “the jealousy of women”. In men, this jealousy is opposite to that of women, because when a man becomes jealous for his wife, he will protect her from bad men, whereas if a woman becomes jealous for her husband, she will practice mastery, possession, suspicion, and watching him. This will lead her husband to an aversion for her and then what she does not like will take place.

Third, do not expect much from your husband; for example, do not expect him to speak the same words of love that he used to speak during the period of engagement or the first days of marriage. If he forgets to offer you something that he used to offer on certain occasion, you should not be angry with him. You should know that these things do away with the love between you. Be discerning, easy, and humble because when a husband sees his wife is inflexible, often angry, and complicated, he will begin thinking of another wife or he will treat his wife likewise or he may submit to her unwillingly and then no place for happiness will remain in these cases.

Fourth, do not blame your husband too much because too much blame hurts one’s dignity and causes disputes and quarrels, which destroy the marital relationship. Try to understand his circumstances, appreciate his efforts, and praise the positive sides of his personality, and then refer to what deserves to be blamed in a lenient way, implicitly and smilingly.

FOR A BETTER FUTURE

Question: Between my wife and me there are several differences in intellect, physique, and wealth. These things often cause disagreements and quarrels between us. Sometimes, these quarrels break out before our children. We are well aware that these disagreements and quarrels have bad effects on the children’s mentality and education, but our violent anger is uncontrollable. How can we get rid of this state and live tranquilly to build the future of our children?

The answer: There is no doubt that religious beliefs, cultures, arts, traditions, and good habits have good effects on the manner of the relationship between spouses, their views on life, and their way of making use of the abilities they have. However, reason and wisdom lead us to the knowledge that these differences between spouses do not mandate disagreements and quarrels. In fact, a reasonable person should deal with these natural differences wisely. He should look at them from these five viewpoints:

First, these differences complement each other. The existence around us is composed of different elements, but they all complement each other in the best way. Spouses should not let their natural differences destroy the bridges of love and understanding between them.

Second, spouses should try their best to change the cultures and habits that Islam does not accept. How many habits and ideas have families planted into their children who grow up with them without pondering on whether they are right or wrong, and how many habits have the social milieu (school, friends, the media, etc.) planted into children while these habits and ideas are far removed from the pure Islamic culture. Therefore, spouses should change the ideas and bad habits that trouble them.

Third, to make the mutual understanding between spouses easy and to decrease disagreements between them, each of them should give the other side the right to show his\her opinion freely without suppressing or interrupting him\her before completing his\her speech and clarifying his\her opinion.

Fourth, we should know that the differences between people in general, and between spouses in particular, are trials that people are tried with. Instead of thinking of running away from these differences or sinking into melancholy and psychological distresses, we should know how to deal with this divine decree, which is inevitable. It is a trial for man in this life, and Allah will accordingly determine for him the reward and Paradise or the punishment and Hell. Therefore, let man think deeply of where he wants to be!

Fifth, life is too short to comprehend problems and troubles that are trivial. Hence, a reasonable person should overlook problems and live his life, which he does not know when it shall end, happily with good fame and honor.

The Prophet (S) has asked husbands to forgive their wives’ mistakes even if they are seventy in one day. Once a man asked the Prophet (S) about a wife’s right on her husband and the Prophet (S) said, ‘He covers her body with clothes, satisfies her stomach with food, and forgives her if she commits mistakes.’ The man asked, ‘How many times does he forgive her?’ The Prophet (S) said, ‘seventy times a day.’

FOR A BETTER FUTURE