After many hardships in life, I suffer from psychological problems and have thought of suicide at times. How can I get help?

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1920Question: I was one of the Mujahidin who fought in the way of Allah. Defeats and disagreements led me to the life of refugees. My family members were killed in the ill-fated Iraq. I was in a failed marriage that ended with divorce. I have a little daughter who kept crying during our emigration. I have become nervous. I cannot tolerate hearing any loud sound. Whenever I remember the misfortunes I have met with in my life, I feel the way to a normal life and comfortable mentality is closed for me. Sometimes I think of suicide, but because of my daughter, I have not committed this unlawful murder. I do not know what to do. I can tolerate neither people nor myself. Where shall I go? I do not know!

The answer: Dear brother, man’s life is composed of hours; in some of them, he is glad, and in others he is distressed. In the first case, he should thank Allah for the blessings and in the second case, he must be patient and busy himself with supplicating to Allah instead of sinking into worry and melancholy because of disappointment. When man remembers the painful events that have happened to him, he should hasten to delete them from his mind, but he should take lessons from them so that they should not happen again. If it is the will of Allah, man must submit and be satisfied and content with what Allah has determined.

Dear brother, thinking negatively and sinking into the bitter past can destroy your future, which may be free of bitterness. This gloomy thinking exposes your spiritual and mental health to dangers, which, surely, you do not want.

You ask me how to overcome this destructive thinking and save yourself from the floods of negative ideas that keep you away from constructive thinking for a better future.

I say:

First, think of your hidden abilities and talents, because man is a spring of powers, and at any time, he can decide to get something out of this spring!

Second, do not think that you have reached a closed way and that there is no solution for you except to be buried under the piles of misfortunes, bitter memories, and fatal pangs, because such thinking means despairing of the mercy of Allah. Perhaps, this thinking may be the very cause of your feeling that the way is closed before you.

Third, while alone, sit and remember your successful and good deeds in life! Ponder on the bright pages of your life, for no one is free from such pages! If you do not remember anything of that, it is enough for you to remember the blessing of breathing you have now. Thank Allah and rely on Him to use this blessing in gaining a success that may recompense what has gone!

Fourth, diagnose your state and know your position due to your ambition! Instead of remorse, blaming yourself, and repeating desperate interrogative words like (why, when, how, if…), diagnose the points of your weakness and determine to change them into points of strength, and instead of blaming others, perform your actual duties, and use your physical and spiritual powers in this way! In order to have good deeds, avoid the bad deed of destroying yourself or others!

Fifth, if it is necessary to talk to others about the misfortunes you have faced, find someone who is able to understand your sufferings and gives you a spiritual cure by relieving words. Do this, especially if you feel that not talking about your sufferings brings you another complex!

Sixth, if your problem is something like sin, know well that Allah has opened the door of repentance before sinners and said, (Surely Allah loves those who turn to Him)22. Hasten to the shadow of His love, for Allah is sufficient for His servant when he turns to Him!

Seventh, improve your thinking and get new information about what you need in your life, because knowledge is a light that illuminates one’s way and takes him to a better condition! Thus was the Prophet (S), who was the most aware among all of the creatures in existence. He often supplicated to Allah by saying, ‘My Lord! Increase my knowledge’. Continuing a search for knowledge is necessary to help man out of his psychological distresses and bitter memories.

Eighth, forget the bitter past, pardon whoever has done you wrong, expect your reward from Allah tomorrow (on the Day of Resurrection), and ask Him to forgive you if you are mistaken or unjust while unaware of this! Pardoning and leniency make your life easy and relieve your heart, so why do you not pardon those with whom you have disagreed?

The Prophet (S) has said, ‘Whoever casts spite out of his heart, Allah increases his livelihood.’ Livelihood here is more encompassing than material and moral blessings.

Dear brother, it is a big mistake to trouble our lives and cause pain to those around us in our family or workplace because of the sufferings of our past or because of spite towards others.

Come on! Let us cast hatred, spite, and our failed experiments out of ourselves and live the rest of our lives peacefully and happily!

Dear brother, be merciful to the remaining hours of your age and do not burn them in the fire of your nervousness! Throw those painful scenes and sad memories away! You cannot change them, for they have already happened and are out of your control! However, you can change yourself for what remains of your future because it has not happened yet. Your future is still under your control and the change begins from the present, which is this moment and not a moment later!

Ninth, not all people are bad. Get married again and be more particular in choosing your wife! Tell her frankly about your past and that you have determined to lead a good and honest life! Tell her that you are looking for a helper with whom to spend your life, with love and mercy, and this is also the right of your innocent child!

Tenth, adhere to supplication and pondering over the words of the Ahlul Bayt (a.s.), for mentioning Allah according to the way of those whom Allah has purified from uncleanness relieves the heart. Then, you will drive the evil whispering of the Satan and your bad thoughts of suicide, which will throw you into the eternal Fire, away from your self. Patience with the problems of this life is much easier than patience with the fire of Hell. The first patience is possible and it leads you to Paradise and the eternal bliss, while the second is bitterer than bitterness and it keeps you in the eternal torment of Fire.

Eleventh, be certain that (Surely with difficulty is ease. Surely with difficulty is ease). This repetition of the verse emphasize that distresses have ends.

Imam Ali (a.s.) said to Qayss bin Sa’d, who had come to him from Egypt, ‘O Qayss, distresses have ends that they must get to. A reasonable one must be patient with them until they end, because suffering from them when they come increases them.24’

Twelfth, always think of the reward you will get for your patience when you will come to Allah alone! Will the patient not enter into Paradise without reckoning?

How can I abandon sins that are habitual for me, mend family relationships, and guide against fanaticism?

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Question: I have a religious brother, but he is too fanatic in his religiousness. With his behaviors, he does more wrong to religion than good. I am a victim of his extreme behaviors. I have committed a major sin, but instead of getting good advice from him, he chided, threatened, and insulted me. Therefore, pride carried me off to sin until I committed more sins, though I knew that I was mistaken. Now, where there is no relation between him and me, I feel regretful before Allah the Almighty, but I cannot give up the sins that I have become accustomed to. I want you to guide me to a way that I can save myself before my death comes. I have had enough of all this stubbornness and pride. I also want you to advise those like my brother, who are fanatic under the name of religion, in order to not be a cause for the youth to deviate and turn away from religion. By Allah, our religion is the best of religions if we follow it as it is.

The answer: Dear young man, O you with pure nature, allow rent to whether or not it is tru brother that has been said by the guardian of religion, the master of the pious, the example of the faithful, Imam Ali (a.s.). It has the answer: you want and the proper guidance for your brother and his like.

“Those who do not commit sins and have been gifted with safety (from sins) should have pity on sinners and other disobedient people. Gratefulness should be mostly their indulgence and it should prevent them from finding faults with others. So what about the backbiter who blames his brother and finds fault with him? Does he not remember that Allah has concealed the sins which he committed while they were bigger than his brother’s sins pointed out by him? How can he vilify him about his sins when he himself has committed one like it? Even if he has not committed a similar sin he must have committed bigger ones. By Allah, even if he did not commit big sins but he committed only small sins, his exposing the sins of people is itself a big sin. O slave of Allah, do not be quick in exposing anyone’s sin for he may be forgiven for it, and do not feel yourself safe even for a small sin because you may be punished for it. Therefore, every one of you who comes to know the faults of others should not expose them in view of what he knows about his own faults, and he should remain busy in thanks that he has been saved from what others have been afflicted with”21.

As for you dear brother, your despair of being able to get out of the circle of sins is itself a great sin. First, I want you to cast your despair away and pay attention to the rest of your life, which may be a year, a month, a week, a day, some minutes, or more or less. Allah, the Aware of what there is in the hearts, knows! In private, be sincere to yourself and think attentively that if you die while disobedient, will Allah accept your excuse for staying sinful?

You had better come back to your abilities that you have ignored because of your obstinacy to your brother and because of his mistake towards you. Activate these abilities and be active with them! Offer to those who consider themselves religious whereas religion is free from them a true example of religion and a beautiful picture of a religious man!

In this book and other books of ours and in those of other good scholars, you can find what lights your way. Get up! Paradise, with its eternal life and pleasures, is waiting for the pure repentant. If you turn to Allah sincerely with your repentance, you will find Him the best Helper Who will help you get out of the sins, which you think difficult to do.

Dear brother, know well that it is the Satan, who casts in your heart weakness and despair to make you follow him and remain in his camp that marches towards Hell. Do you want to accompany him to the Fire and the severe torment?

I pray to Allah to protect you and me from the Satan and the Fire. As for your situation with your brother, I ask you to delete the picture in your mind about him. Go and make up with him! This high morale gets you closer to Allah and suppresses your self to not take you towards evil. Be certain that with this behavior, great blessings from the Heaven will refresh your life, and this is my hope for you.

source:for a better future

How may we help someone who suffered a psychological trauma that caused him to withdraw?

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traumaQuestion: In my family, I have a nephew who has been psychologically shocked. Most of the time, he is silent and he likes to be alone. He speaks or reacts little in family meetings. His father says that he was not like that before. Please, tell us how we should deal with him and save him!

The answer: Melancholy, silence, introversion, and absent-mindedness are psychological diseases that begin with real reasons and then grow with illusions and imaginations. They are diseases of the societies that are subject to psychological shocks and material competitions. One who is afflicted may not understand the dangers of such diseases, but others can perceive the dangers in him through signs such as:

1. Feeling continuous fatigue

2. Low productivity if he is a worker or low comprehension if he is a student

3. Insomnia

4. Pains in the stomach, the back, and muscles

5. Pessimism

6. Passing judgments based on assumptions, emotions, and anger

7. Feeling guilty

8. Tending to be alone

9. Being confused and hesitant

10. Keeping silent

As a cure, family members should, if they see these signs, do the following:

1. They should be aware of the problem of this afflicted one and what he feels so hat he may declare what he suffers. If he does not declare his suffering, they should try, through indirect means, to identify his mental pain.

2. If he begins to declare his sufferings, they should attend to him by listening to him so that he perceives they are responsive to and care for him.

3. They should suggest some new works for him to do.

4. They should take him, after receiving his permission, to a specialist doctor.

5. They should take him to parks and the like for amusement.

6. They should try to give him hope and self-confidence by respecting him, offering him presents, and being friendly with him.

7. They should engage him in certain things and involve him in some works that he would gradually do willingly.

8. They should make him associate with a religious scholar who has a luminous spirit and bright morals.

source:for a better future

How do I properly deal with losing my temper so that I neither abuse others nor make myself ill from swallowing my anger?

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 temperQuestion: I suffer from suddenly becoming excited and angry. Please tell me, when I am angry, which way should I follow: should I suppress my anger or should I cast it on the ones who have caused it by shouting at and abusing them? Can you suggest to me a third alternative? I do not like the second way, though I follow it, and as for the first way, I fear that pangs may cause me to have heart failure or an apoplexy, and I do not want to die or become paralyzed. Please, show me the right way!

The answer: Up until twenty years ago, psychologists thought that it was better for man’s physical health for him to cast his anger on others instead of suppressing it and suffering from its destructive psychological and physical effects. But nowadays, this theory has become weak before the evidences of the scientists who believe that worry, psychological turmoil, spite, and internal contradictions between mind and desires cause physical diseases and especially heart failure whether man suppresses his anger or casts it onto others. However, scientists do not deny the fatal effect of the suppression of anger.

But Islam has a third way. It is by following these steps:

1. Change your position or place when you become angry and excited by sitting if you are standing, standing if you are sitting, or leaving the place for another open place and breathing as deeply as possible while raising and lowering the hands slowly!

2. Think of the greatness of Allah and His ability to punish criminals and of His patience and forgiveness if they repent and do good!

3. If you can drive out your anger from yourself through a shout or some tears shed in private, it would be better for you.

4. Look forward to the reward of Allah and think of the good end that Allah has promised the patient!

5. Impartially study the problem that has caused you to become angry, and even if the cause isn’t yours, confess your mistake and turn back to your reason. This will comfort you because sincerity is the way to deliverance!

6. In your study of your anger and melancholy, ask yourself the following questions and reflect deeply on the answers:

Is the matter so important that it justifies all this suffering?

Does the problem disappear with anger, anxiety, or pain?

Is your personality more important or responding to anger and taking revenge?

Does the one whom you become angry at and abuse have no dignity that he would defend himself by quarreling or does he suppress himself and suffer from pain like yours? Is this the cure?

Dear Muslim young man, put these points before you now and walk in your new way; it is a happy way.

source :for a better future

How do I make myself to be content?

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Question: I know that contentment is the cause of psychological ease and the way to attain happiness, but the question is: how can I be from the people of satisfaction and contentment?

The answer:

1. Thank Allah for every blessing especially for those that others do not have!

2. Do not yearn for the pleasures that other people have!

3. When someone criticizes you, accept his criticism and do not stickle or deny it while you know your state well! I do not mean that you should acknowledge whatever people tell you even if it is not true, but I mean that you have to accustom yourself to accept criticism from others and not to attack the advisors. The very acceptance of criticism and gratitude to a criticizer is a high moral value. In other words, you have to accustom yourself to accept criticism while indifferent to whether or not it is true because this is a civil feature and a practical invitation to reject violence and dictatorship which are the causes of most of our misfortunes.

4. Take lessons from your mistakes!

5. Adapt yourself to every problem you face! Accommodation is a successful way to get rid of problems or to limit their destructive effects.

6. Try to be truthful to yourself and kind to others, for a double-faced person is unsuccessful!

7. Offer your love, kindness, and help to even those who do not offer such things to you!

8. Always think of what you shall ultimately meet, whether willingly or unwillingly! I mean death and the afterlife because death divides man into two parts: one part remains in the earth until the Day of Resurrection, and the other part is sent to Heaven until the hour of Punishment.

9. Know well that the heart is a sacred sanctum; if you visit it at night and asked its Lord for your needs, He orders His angels: ‘Give him! It is I, Who have promised him, and it is I, Who carry out My promise. Have I not said, (And when My servants ask you concerning Me, then surely I am very near; I answer the prayer of the supplicant when he calls on Me, so they should answer My call and believe in Me that they may walk in the right way)20.

10. Be certain and do not forget that if man possessed the entire earth, he would be greedy to possess the heaven too, but when death comes, he finds himself with neither the earth nor the heaven! Then, for what is this greediness?

11. Always, remember the advantages of contentment and the disadvantages of greed!

12. To acquire these qualities, read about them in books and associate with those who have these qualities in their conducts!

With these points, I hope that you will arrive at your aim; and do not forget me in your prayers!

How do I help someone who values secular studies but not religion?

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helpQuestion: I have a friend, who does not dislike religion but he finds it difficult to adhere to during his university study. When I invite him to religion, he says, ‘I think it is better to spend my youth in studying until I attain a high degree in the medical field. When I graduate, open a clinic, get married, and arrange my material life in all sides, I shall begin thinking of my afterlife and keeping to religion.’ I hope that you will guide him and those like him to the right path with what is easy for the youth.

The answer: All of the religious teachings are easy because Allah, Who is aware of what benefits us and what harms us, has said in the Qur’an, (Allah desires ease for you, and He does not desire for you difficulty).

Dear ambitious brother, the problem has two dimensions:

The first is understanding this easy religion, about which the Prophet (S) often said proudly, ‘I have been sent with an easy and lenient Sharia’. Many people and many scholars do not know the truth of this religion and the way of following its teachings.

The second dimension is disregarding the true meanings of “easy” and “difficult”, which leads to mixing them up. Some people, for example, think that refraining from unlawful looking (at women) is difficult; therefore, they look because they consider that to be easier, but they do not know that this looking throws them into lustful imaginations when alone and then they fall into sin in different ways that weaken their concentration in study and work. Then the matter continues to get them to major sins and then problems fall on them one after the other. Their sufferings continue until they meet actual difficulties; whereas if they, from the very beginning, refrain from unlawful looking and do not consider it as a difficulty, they will not become involved in these difficulties, which they thought would be easy.

In this case, knowing religion correctly is the best way to practically distinguish between ease and difficulty. With this knowledge man can avoid difficulty and enjoy ease and then the way will become clear for him to achieve his material aims successfully. This is what religious people who act with reason and ambition experience. They have proven that there is no objection between true religion and modern science. In fact, the true religion complements modern science when it is used in its right place. There are many scientists in medicine, engineering, electronics, etc. who have put their abilities and talents at the service of injustice and corruption and harmed millions of people everywhere. However, if they were religious, they would have put their abilities in the way of justice and goodness, and so the societies would be safe from them, and people would pray to Allah to have mercy upon them, and besides that they would be happy in the afterlife.

Why does your friend think that it is difficult to adhere to religion and study in the university while he and we see, nowadays, religious young men studying in the European universities? Then, how about the universities in our own (Islamic) countries?

I fear for this university student the dangers of his reasoning, so I would like to draw his attention to the tradition narrated from Imam al-Baqir (a.s.) when he said, ‘This world is a market, in which some people profit and others lose.’ Let this brother see from which people he wants to be! Let him too ponder on this saying of Allah, (And say: Work; so Allah will see your work and (so will) His Messenger and the believers)

source:for a better future

10 Instructions to Break the Habit of Masturbation

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break-the-habit-nowWe know that youth is a period of “crisis” of instincts, specially “sexual instinct”. If this instinct is not guided properly, it would have the worst stroke on the felicity and happiness of the youths. Their creative powers will be spoiled like unopened buds, and their ingenuity and innovation which could be the source of numerous honors for them or the society, will be certainly wasted.

Risks and harms of sexual perversions, specially masturbation are undeniable because it turns to “addiction” soon, a deep-rooted and fatal addiction so that the afflicted performs it several times a day, and even according to explicit confession of some afflicted people, sometimes the semen excretes from them only with “imagination and thinking”! without any other action! Now, we draw the attention of all dear youths to the following points to avoid formation of this habit, or cure it:

  1. Avoiding all artificial stimulations

If the youths watch “sexy films” every night in the cinema or on television, and spend a major part of their valuable time reading “romantic fiction” and watching “provocative photos” of porn magazines, and ogle at half-naked females in the streets, and still expect not to be tainted, they are really wrong.

Such causes of “artificial stimulations” which are never necessary, divert the line of thought of any youth from the basic issues of life, and lead it towards the sexual issues in an acute and rebellious form.

They are constantly kept in a nervous anxious state, the adverse effects of which surround their entire life.

Continuation of constant provocation destroys the best period of life, i.e. youth period, and ruins the nerves of youths.

All dear youths, particularly those having some wrong sexual habits, should strictly avoid watching such films, reading such books, and any sort of deliberate leering to prevent disturbance of their mental tranquility and weakening of their powerful nervous system with constant excitement.

In order to succeed in this part, it is necessary for them to choose healthy and suitable recreation and hobbies for their leisure, and prepare a suitable program with the help of their friends for this purpose.

These recreations may include personal and group sports, walking, useful reading, gardening, handicrafts, collecting poems, photos and stamps, and  participation in various gatherings and scientific or moral conferences.

2 .Preparing a full time program

The youths should prepare a program for all times of day and night for themselves to avoid even an hour of idle time.

We do not say that they should study or work continuously. Rather they should have a program even for their recreation and sport, with no free time.

The youths should know that the greatest misery for a youth is to have free time without any program.

A youth may be unemployed and a job seeker, but he should prepare a daily program, including study, recreation, rest, etc.

It is better if the youths prepare their daily program a little more compressed than their available time to prevent their mind from idleness even for a moment, because being mentally busy is very effective in avoiding such bad habits.

It is often observed that smokers smoke much more during holidays as compared to working days. The difference is the same result of engagement of mind, nervous system and body in the positive actions, and avoiding useless and harmful deeds on working days.

In brief, if those suffering from wrong sexual addictions, do not have a full time engaging program, they cannot get rid of this habit easily. Preparing such a program is one of the most effective factors in avoidance, and the addicted could overcome a major part of problems of their withdrawal in this way.

  1. Focusing on sports

It is well known that sportsmen are undersexed, because a large part of their physical and mental energy is directed to sports, and naturally, less remains for other issues.

On this account, in order to prevent extreme sexual provocation, it is necessary for the youths to choose extensive and various sports programs.

Those afflicted to this evil habit are often secluded, unsociable, slow and dull. Seclusion, isolation and dullness worsens and intensifies their situation. If they change their state completely, and add mobility to their life, it would be very effective to their withdrawal, improvement and recovery.

Such people usually have a weak and feeble nervous system, while various and appropriate sports are significantly effective in strengthening their nervous system.

They should assign their extra and free time to different games, sports and walking to recover their health and also allocate a part of their physical and mental energy to sports.

To the same degree that mobility, personal and group sports are useful, isolation and seclusion is a lethal poison for them and they should avoid it at any rate.

Don’t forget this advice, and find its miraculous results. Exercise so much during the day that you become tired. Then, you will sleep well at night and be secure from the evil of many harmful and fateful imaginations and thoughts disturbing you at this time!

4 .One habit shall be replaced by another

Psychologists say: For withdrawal from a bad habit, a good habit should be found to replace it.

For instance, those accustomed to gambling cannot give it up despite observing and feeling all its harms, and according to themselves, when it is the time of gambling, they do not know which power attracts them towards this action (condemned by their intellect and conscience) just like a slave and captive?! For overcoming such wrong habits, they should replace gambling with a proper game (like a sports match) to forget the bad habit.

In other words, the energy consumed by the habit shall be diverted elsewhere and consumed without leaving any undesirable reaction. (Pay attention)

For the wrong sexual habits, when the motive is created in the afflicted, they shall engage themselves in a program which they have already envisioned for such time, like a scientific activity, sports or intellectual competition, studying an interesting book, mountain climbing and riding etc. and continue it to replace the previous bad habit.

  1. 5. Absolute avoidance of loneliness

Such persons should certainly and unconditionally avoid loneliness.
They should never be alone, do not stay alone at home, do not sleep alone in the room, and do not go to a solitary place even for studying.

When they feel loneliness anywhere, they should leave that place immediately.

Such individuals should specially not forget this point that upon feeling the first provocation, they should rise and engage in something else. Neglecting this warning would often cost you much.
Loneliness is a very favorable in breeding the microbes of this addiction in the mind of any youth, and all youths wishing to be healthy, safe and secure from the great risks of masturbation, should
avoid loneliness.

  1. Marry at the first opportunity

If possible, such individuals should marry at the first opportunity. Even if they can only be engaged (of course, a legal engagement with legal marriage contract), they should not lose this opportunity.

In short, marriage has a significant effect in struggle against this sexual perversion. If expectations are lessened and extra formalities eliminated, it would be a very easy and simple task. However, a series of dreams and wrong restrictions have chained most classes, including the educated and the unlearned.

Some addicted youths fear marriage, but their fear is really baseless, because by following these instructions it is easy to cure this addiction and succeed in all stages of marriage and matrimony.

  1. 7. Suggestion and strengthening of willpower

Suggestion has a critical role in struggle against this habit.
The addicted individuals should regularly suggest to themselves that they can give up this ugly habit completely.

In order to increase and expedite the effect of suggestion, as a French psychologist, (Dr. Victor Pushe) says: They should continue suggestion for several days as follows:

Every day, they should sit in a quiet place, where nothing disturbs them, and focus their mind and repeat this phrase articulately and strongly: I can give up this evil habit completely, I can!

Repeating this simple suggestion has an incredible impact on boosting their morale and withdrawal from this habit and any bad habit. (You can try it.)

Furthermore, we should not neglect reading psychological books written for stabilization and growth of character and strengthening of will power, because as we know and all the addicted succeeding in giving up this evil habit and other undesirable addictions have confessed, the first step in this path is “willpower and resolution”.

  1. Absolute abstinence

One should completely avoid associating with individuals afflicted with this vice at all times specially during the period of struggle, as he avoids those suffering from cholera. Moreover, one should never neglect the fatal and painful harms and consequences of this action, and never listen to the tempting utterances of others.

The role of aberrant and bad associates in affliction by this perversion and its continuation is very amazing. For not feeling sin and misfortune, the afflicted try to make others afflicted. So, they always try to display this evil deed as pleasant and harmless, but the awakened youths are never entrapped in their satanic temptations.

  1. 9. General nourishment and diet

A perfect and healthy diet resulting in general nourishment is very effective in struggle against this habit, which mostly originates from or causes weak nervous system.

Bathing in cool water (of course, when the weather is good), and then body massage with towel too could help such individuals.

They should also strictly avoid wearing tight and close-fitting garments, which could cause artificial stimulation. Basically, such garments are harmful and even sometimes dangerous for all youths, and hurt their normal growth in addition to being provocative and tempting.

  1. Seeking help from the power of faith and religious beliefs

The power of faith and religious belief could be the greatest help for the afflicted, and it could relieve them from this evil habit.

Such individuals should never consider themselves as cursed and reprobated individuals with God. Rather, one should trust in God’s mercy, pray, prostrate and confide to and invoke God, and request Him to help him in getting rid of this ugly habit. Definitely, if they turn to Him heartily, The Merciful God will help them and they will succeed in this vital conflict.

They should consider Him omnipresent and All-Seeing, and must not allow themselves to commit such an immoral action.

We are sure that if the afflicted youths observe the above instructions carefully just for a month, they will be relieved from this perversion.

Source: Sexual problems of Youths written by Ayatullah Naser Makarem Shirazi

7 Obstacles in Front of Youth in the Way of Marriage

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7 Obstacles in Front of YouthIt is said that once Rostam, the Iranian epical hero, decided to conquer some parts of Iran that no preceding gallant conquerors had succeeded in.

During his journey towards the heart of this region, he faced “seven great obstacles” each of which was more terrible than the other. Once he faced the white demon, and once the giant dragon, and once the dangerous magicians. Finally, he passed them one by one with his strength and skills. He passed the seven stages (seven adventures) and overcame them.

The legend is a romantic representation of the mass of problems in a man’s life, their abundance and intensity, and a plan for showing ways of overcoming these problems.

Nowadays, the issue of marriage and passing its obstacles is not easier than what Rostam did when passing the “seven legendary adventures”. The only difference is that neither all youths possess the bravery and power which Rostam had for passing the seven adventures, nor basically they are so decisive and determined!

As mentioned, no other social issue has so deviated from its original and normal form (with such harmful and disturbing embellishments) like marriage.

The groans, complaints and clamors of the youth and parents for the huge costs of marriage are mostly for these additional formalities. Otherwise, the basis of marriage is too simple, pure and sacred to cause so many problems and troubles.

At present, for many people, marriage is like mining “gold” from the mines which is mixed with impurity that it is not economical and does not worth such a trouble!

Impurities of marriage are the very competitions, wrong customs, transient humors and fancies, achieving unreal honor, prestige and personality.

Marriage has lost its main visage among the mass of problems. It is transformed to a “horrible monster” that not all individuals could bear.

Worse is that a few people dare to challenge these embellishments and impurities. In this respect, the educated are worse than the illiterate. Now, people are weaker and more disabled in this challenge as compared to the past.

Many people satisfy themselves with a wrong reasoning that “a man marries once during his or her lifetime, and could not celebrate it simply”, or “let us realize our last desires, whims and internal tendencies”!

They ignore that when this wrong reasoning becomes popular, it changes into the greatest hindrance for felicity and happiness of the youth.

The youth shall pass the seven adventures of this long way just with their heroism, like Rostam, and break these magic spells. This involves seven adventures, including:

1- Unlimited and dreamy expectations; the expectations of girls from boys, and boys from girls, and parents from both of them

2- Raising undue embarrassments; by many of the parents, families, relatives and friends

3- Heavy dower sum

4- Extra formalities; for wedding ceremonies and the dangerous competitions

5- Petulance for being in the same and equal position and rank by two families

6- Fiery loves; which are uncontrollable and at the same time unconsidered

7- Excessive obsession; and lack of confidence and trust on each other in the future

When we reflect on these seven problems, we see that most of them are not concerned with the issue of marriage, but to its embellishments.

For instance, consider the issue of “matching and being equal in rank”, which is a great hindrance for marriage of many youths, while it is only a mirage.

It is interesting that in our Islamic traditions, “being equal in rank” with the wrong concept prevailed at that time among tribes and social societies, has been strongly condemned, and Islam has introduced faithful women and men, girls and boys in the same and equal rank.
We read in Islamic traditions:

المؤمن کفو المؤمن

A believer from any family, race and social class is in the same rank and position as the other believer.

Therefore, if the delusive ideas about class life and social ranking are eliminated, and both parties like each other for what has a human, logical and rational value, not for the positions of uncles and families, wealth, car and property of aunts, the problem will be surely solved. This applies to many other hindrances for marriage as well.

Source: Sexual problems of Youths written by Ayatullah Naser Makarem Shirazi

As a young girl, how do I avoid the mistakes in marital, family, and social relations?

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12.27.10-3-Mistakes-You’re-Making-on-Your-Resume-and-How-to-Correct-Them-NowQuestion: I am a young girl. I want to begin my life safe from obstacles. You know well that the mistakes in marital, family, and social relations are too many. How can we avoid falling into them?

The answer: There are four factors that lead one to fall into mistakes. The first is a psychological factor. It is when man follows his desire and loves himself, his kin, friends, party, or country in a way that his love does not submit to the Islamic values declared in the Holy Qur’an and the Prophetic Sunna.

The cure, here, is achieved by submitting this psychological factor to the true wisdom of religion. Submission to the will of Allah and relying on Him in the lawful way of living cause the psychological factor to become defeated.

The second is a material factor that concerns the physical condition of body. It is clear that some mistakes occur due to some pressure caused by a pain that man cannot tolerate and so he does what he would not do if he were sound and healthy. Weather, noise, and fatigue are also among the material factors.

The cure lies in treating the diseases and getting rid of what troubles one’s body and annoys his nerves.

The third is an intellectual factor, which concerns the shallow cultural level or the kind of culture that one receives. One must get his intellects and cultures from honest sources in order to not become involved in mistakes due to ignorance or wrong information.

The fourth is an environmental factor. Bad friends in the street and school or an unreligious family cause one to fall into mistakes.

As long as one is influenced by these factors, he will fall into mistakes and as long as he keeps away from them, he will remain safe.

Dear sister, you should follow the practical steps first by knowing Allah and being sincere to Him without flattering anyone. You should care much for your bodily health, think correctly, and then choose good persons to be your friends.

source :For a Better Future

How can I help a family member to be rightly guided?

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muslimfamily-copyQuestion: Could you please explain to me the reasons for a young person’s becoming corrupt and failed in life? My sister and I are close in age. I am thirty years old and she is twenty-eight years old, but in regards to faith, there is a great difference between us, even though our father and mother (may Allah have mercy on them) were very faithful. Please, tell me how to save my sister from what harms our reputation and family honor!

The answer: Deviation from the right path begins when man feels that he is in not in need of anyone besides himself and when there he has no wise advisor. A young man or a young woman begin to establish relationships that may slowly lead him/her to serious problems because one’s conduct develops via the relationships surrounding him, then his feeling of independence and his desire to be different from others grow, and he begins to prove his personality through resistance and mutiny. Here, parents and relatives should know that regret would be useless!

From the first moment that a youth feels that he is not in need of anyone else, there must be an advisor there to guide him to the right way. But, after he is snatched away from his kind nurturing family by bad persons, reforming him will be very difficult, except in special cases, and will require great efforts.

Social studies confirm that the disregard of parents, whether willingly or unwillingly, towards this fact is the basis of motivating children to go towards corruption. The methods used by parents or guardians in dealing with children (i.e., whether they grant children full freedom, treat them dictatorially, or treat them moderately) have the main role in forming the future conducts of children.

Unfortunately, parents are negligent of their children in the initial stages of their lives, and then the children face problems when they grow up because they were trained to walk towards corruption and deviation. It is not right to give children full freedom or treat them dictatorially. To be safe from educational obstacles, one should treat his children moderately. This is what we ask those who are responsible for the future of children to do.

Moderation, which is the Islamic method in dealing with everything, means caring for both the material and moral needs together. Providing clothes, food, shelter, and a superior education do not mean achieving moderation as some believers think, but it is also necessary to add moral education, religious teachings, and good manners.

O dear sister who is worried about the honor of her family, the case of your sister, who has become different from the rest of the members of the family, is a result of a previous negligence of those who were in charge of the family when your sister began associating with bad girls and watching films and reading books and magazines that led girls away from veil, abstinence, and faith.

All this is in regards to before the problem occurs, but after it happens, I advise you to do the following:

1. Bring her good cassettes, films, and books and ask some good friends to try guiding her!

2. Do not distress yourself at all because some relatives of the Prophet (S) and of the infallible imams (a.s.) have followed the Satan, but Allah has said to His kind Messenger, (Surely you cannot guide whom you love, but Allah guides whom He pleases).

3. Do not cut your relation with her, because this would make her deviate even more!

4. Let her see in you the example of the Islamic morals! You should show her your love for her and help her in her affairs so that she may come closer to you and be influenced by your faith and morals!