Lifestyle - BYISLAM

How do I bear the difficulties of life?

May 9, 2016/in How to do, Lifestyle, Youth /by amin edrisi

Question: Please advise me how to bear the difficulties of life! I feel like I am about to perish

The answer: Imagining oneself as about to perish is in itself the beginning of perishment. First, keep this thought away from your mind and then ask yourself if you will not bear the difficulties, then what would you do! Do you have a better alternative?

Ponder on this question and be certain that life is difficult for all people, but the difficulties differ from one person to another. Now read the following advices:

1. You should know that the worldly life has been full of difficulties since our father Adam (a.s.) and will be until the last one of his children. The Wise Creator has determined life to be difficult for man so that he may think of the afterlife that he has been created for. Without being tried, man will not be given the eternal blessings of the afterlife.

2. Read the biographies of the patient and great people and see how they passed the difficulties of life to live in the bliss of Paradise and their names were not forgotten throughout the ages!

3. Make friends with those possessing a great deal of patience and tolerance.

4. Practice sportive exercises in the morning or at any other time of the day!

5. Rely on Allah and believe that He is the strongest supporter for those who rely on Him!

6. Ponder over the Qur’anic verses and the traditions of the Prophet (S) and Ahlul Bayt (a.s.) that discuss “patience” for they have undoubtedly taught us what makes us happy!

For example, Imam al-Baqir (a.s.) has said, ‘When Ali bin al-Husayn (Imam Zaynul Aabideen, the father of Imam al-Baqir) was about to die, he embraced me and said, ‘O my son, I recommend you to what my father had recommended to me when he was about to die and he said that his father had recommended him to; O my son, be patient with the truth even if it is bitter!4’

We must submit to the truth and its requirements. Abu Abdullah (Imam as-Sadiq) (a.s.) has said, ‘Whoever keeps to the firmest handhold will be safe.’

The narrator asked, ‘What is it (the firmest handhold)?’

He said, ‘Submission.’

Someone asked Imam as-Sadiq (a.s.), ‘With what is a believer known as a believer?’

Imam as-Sadiq (a.s.) said, ‘With submission to Allah and being satisfied with what he gets of pleasure and displeasure.’

source :For a Better Future

How do I cure myself from being mean?

May 9, 2016/in How to do, Lifestyle, Youth /by amin edrisi

Question: Frankly, I say that I suffer from the complex of meanness. What is a practical treatment to save me from it and from its bad effects?

The answer: First, you should recognize the cause so that the treatment can be easy. Here are some of the main causes of this complex:

1. Either you are imagining it or others are making you imagine it

2. Repeated failures in life and not achieving an aim that was once in your mind

For the cure, we suggest the following:

1. Try to achieve success in your life to strengthen your morale and then you can aim for another success and a bigger step!

2. Read some books regarding this topic in order to achieve some success!

3. Seize any opportunity to prove your personality in a lawful way; I do not mean that you seize others’ opportunities or show off by doing good.

4. Persuade yourself that you are a successful person by the assistance of Allah!

5. Do not forget to make your intentions sincere and just for the sake of Allah when doing good deeds, because this is the moral secret of everlasting success and progress.

What field should I specialize in at the university in order to be useful for society?

May 9, 2016/in Lifestyle, Youth /by amin edrisi

Question: I am a student who is about to join the university. I am confused as to what I should specialize in. As you are more aware of the needs of society than I am, please guide me to the right vocation and I will be grateful.

The answer: There is no doubt that if man distributes his powers among several points and aims, his concentration weakens, and then he does not get the best result in each of his aims; rather he gets the optimal result if he concentrates all his powers on one aim within certain points.

I believe in specialization and my advice to you is that you have to make a decision and choose the field nearest to your inclination and ability and the nearest to the needs of your society. Then you should concentrate all your powers in achieving the best result. Do not forget to rely on Allah and pray to Him to assist you because real success is in His hand.

But since you ask me to advise you as to the most important fields of specialization, I consider the humanities, especially psychology and sociology, to be of great importance, especially when supported by accurate studies in the Islamic books of these concerns. Specialization in commercial fields and economics is also of great importance, as well as studying in the Hawza3, after completing your university study, which is of even greater importance. See what your real desire is and then choose it.

Rely on Allah and make your life, study, and future for the sake of Him so that if you die at the beginning of the way, the middle, or at the end, you will gain His paradise. Is there any profit greater than this?

When Should Parents Start Upbringing Their Children?

May 9, 2016/in home, Infants and Teenagers, Lifestyle /by amin edrisi

From the time a child is born until he separates from the family to establish a shared life with others, he passes through two phases in his upbringing.

Childhood, from birth until the age of seven, is the time when the child is not well prepared for direct instruction as he does not know his world.
From the age of seven to the age of fourteen is the time when the intellect grows gradually, in preparation for intellectual activities. In this stage the child can learn and be instructed.

In the first period, instruction has to be indirect without commands and psychological pressure. Rather, the child becomes familiar with good manners and is instructed by the people surrounding him. In fact, the moral foundation of his character is laid and good memories and proper treatment become etched in his mind.

In the second phase, the child should not be left free to behave and do as he pleases and his faults should not be ignored. Rather, his ill manner should be discouraged and he should be taught order and discipline, while emphasizing the proper use of time and he should be encouraged to perform religious worship and do good things.

Unfortunately, most people do not know when to begin to train their children. Some parents believe that instruction should begin after the age of six and some say that instruction should begin at the age of three.

Nevertheless, such beliefs are incorrect because when a child has completed the third year of his life, 75% of good and bad characteristics have already become formed in him.

A number of psychologists believe that the training of a child begins from the moment of birth. However, some others are cautious and say that the training of a child begins on the first day of the second month after his birth. In depth practical research at the University of Chicago has reached the conclusion that:

“Any healthy child gains 50% of his intelligence by the age of four, 30% by the age of 8 and 20% by the age of 17. Then, any 4-year old child has 50% intelligence and the changes between the ages of 2 and 3 are far more important than the changes between the ages of 8 and 9.”

For training to be effective, one has to begin much sooner than is generally thought nowadays, i.e. from the very first weeks after birth. First, one has to consider the physiological issues and from the first year, the psychological issues.

One point to consider is that the value of time is not the same for a child as for an adult. One day at the age of 1 is much longer than the same period of time at the age of 30 and it perhaps includes six times the physiological and psychological occurrences. Therefore, one should not leave such a fruitful period of childhood unused, for in the first six years of life, the outcome of the performance of the rules of life is more definitive.

It is because of this that Imam ‘Ali said, “He who does not learn in childhood, cannot progress in adulthood.”

Therefore, childhood is the best time for learning the right way of living because the child is very apt to imitate, adopt and learn. At this time, the child records in himself all the movement, speech and behavior of the people surrounding him, with the utmost care, as if recorded on film.

Therefore, the child’s psyche needs to be guided to the right path simultaneously with his physical growth and development because it becomes very difficult at the adult stage to change the character of one who was not properly instructed in childhood.

The happiest people are those who have been reared in a correct and healthy manner from the very beginning and who have adopted good characteristics.

According to some psychologists, a child is like a sapling that the gardener can easily change according to his own plans. Yet, correcting those who are like old trees and have grown accustomed to bad ways, is very difficult indeed. One who intends to change the attitudes of such individuals must endure many hardships.

Source: The Prophet’s Attitude towards Children and Youth written by Muhammad Ali Chenarani

8 Ways to Respect Our Children’s Personalities

May 9, 2016/in Infants and Teenagers, Lifestyle /by amin edrisi

In today’s world, children are considered to be very important. Full attention is given by societies and governments to their upbringing and respecting their personality in the family and the society. In spite of this, people today do not pay as much attention to children’s instruction as the Leader of the Muslims did.

The Prophet had a special love of children, whether they were his own children or those of others. It has been written about him: “Kindness towards children was one of the special practices of the Prophet.”

This same practice was continued by the Imams and they respected children’s personalities as well. Some examples have been provided below.

Asking Children’s Views

Imam ‘Ali asked his children intellectual questions in the presence of others and in some cases, he would let his children answer the questions of others.

Once Imam ‘Ali asked his children, Imam Hasan and Imam Husain some questions. The latter responded wisely and briefly. Then Imam ‘Ali turned to someone known as Harith A‘war, who was present in the gathering and said: “Teach these wise words to your children to improve their reasoning and thinking abilities.”

Thus Imam ‘Ali expressed his respect for his children in the best possible way and contributed to the creation of the greatest personality and independence in them.

Sociability

One of the most basic factors in the development of a child’s personality is sociability and proper treatment. Prophet Muhammad clearly advised his followers concerning this. He told them: “Respect your children and treat them with good manners and in an acceptable way.”

Therefore, those who want to have children with a strong personality must guide them with good training and avoid treating them improperly as an improper practice cannot lead to the upbringing of worthy children who have a strong personality.

Fulfillment of Promises

Fulfillment of promises towards children contributes to the development of their self-confidence and affects their personality. The true leaders of Islam have given much advice about the fulfillment of promises to children. Some examples are as follows:

Imam ‘Ali said: “It is not appropriate to tell lies, whether seriously or jokingly. It is not appropriate to make a promise to one’s children and fail to fulfill it.”

Imam ‘Ali also said: “The Prophet said, ‘If any of you makes a promise to his child, he must fulfill it.”

Numerous sayings have been recounted in Islamic sources from the Imams about the necessity of parents, fulfilling their promises.

Familiarizing the Child with the Difficulties of Life

One of the ways to strengthen a child’s personality, especially in the case of boys, is to familiarize them with the difficulties of life so as to prepare them for the future; children must understand in practice that one has to work hard to obtain anything. If a child is not familiar with the problems and difficulties of life, when he does face difficulties, he will become easily frustrated. This has been discussed in the statements of religious leaders as well.

Imam Musa ibn Ja‘far has said, “It is better for a child to become familiarized with the unavoidable difficulties of life, which are the toll of life, during childhood so that he can be patient during youth and adulthood.

It must be remembered that familiarizing the child with the difficulties of life should not bother the child, i.e. the jobs given to him to do should not be beyond his capabilities. Therefore, the child’s abilities must be taken into consideration as well.

The Prophet reminded us of four points in this respect:

What the child has been able to do should be accepted.
The child should not be asked to perform difficult tasks beyond his abilities.
The child should not be persuaded to commit sins or be rebellious.
The child should not be told lies and silly things should not be done in front of him.

It has been narrated elsewhere that, “One day, when the Messenger of God was seven years old, he asked his nanny (Halimah Sa‘diyah): ‘Where are my brothers?’ (The Prophet lived in Halimah’s house and he called her sons as brothers.) She answered: “Dear child, they have gone to graze the sheep with which God has blessed us.’ The child responded: ‘O Mum, you did not treat me justly.’ ‘Why?’ she asked. ‘Is it right that I should stay in the shade of the tent and drink milk while my brothers are in the hot desert sun?’”

Appreciating What the Child Does

The Prophet himself practiced all that he advised his followers concerning the upbringing of children and respecting their personality. One of the things he often did was to give a high value to actions performed by children.

‘Amr ibn Harith has been quoted as saying: “The Prophet passed by ‘Abdullah ibn Ja‘far ibn Abu Ṭalib, while the latter was a little child. The Prophet thus prayed for him, ‘O God, bless him in his dealings and commerce.’”

Rising in the Presence of Children

In order to show respect to his own children, the Prophet would either lengthen his prostration during prayer or would end the prayer quickly (depending on the circumstances). In all occasions he respected children and he would teach the people in practical terms how to train the personalities of their children.

One day, Imam Hasan and Imam Husayn arrived while the Prophet was sitting. The Prophet rose to show respect to them and waited for them. As they were little children and weak, this took some time. The Prophet went towards them to welcome them. He opened his arms, took them both, put them on his shoulders and walked, while saying, “What a good ride you are having and what good riders you are!”

The Prophet would also stand in the presence of his daughter, Fatimah Zahra.

Foresight for Children

One day Imam Mujtaba called his children and his nephews and said to them, “You are the children of the society. It is hoped that in the future you will be great members of the society and that you will strive to acquire knowledge. Any of you, who cannot memorize scholarly material, should write it down, keep the written material at home and refer to it whenever necessary.

As you see, Imam Mujtaba thought of the future of children and familiarized parents with this reality. It was reported that:

“A man from among the Helpers died. He had a small amount of capital which he had lost towards the end of his life in worship and in seeking God’s pleasure. On the same day he died, his children were forced to ask the people for help. This story was told to the Prophet. He asked, ‘What did you do with his body?’ They replied: ‘We buried it.’ ‘If I knew this earlier,’ said the Prophet, ‘I would not have allowed you bury him in the Muslim cemetery, because he lost his wealth and properties and left his children to beg among the people.’”

Teaching Religious Edicts

If children practice praying and other acts of worship, these activities will have a bright effect on their internal characters. Although a child may not understand the meaning of the words and sentences in the prayer for example, he will no doubt begin to understand the need to focus attention on God and this will enable him to have a close relationship with God, experience peace of mind in times of hardship and obtain His infinite mercy and support. God says:

“Who have believed and whose hearts have rest in the remembrance of Allah. Verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest.”

In order to bring up pious, God-fearing children, there needs to be harmony between their bodies and their souls. To this end, Islam has obligated parents to draw the attention of their children to God and to teach them to worship Him and the knowledge of religious precepts. Islam has ordered parents to make their children pray.

Mu‘awiah ibn Wahab asked Imam Sadiq, “At what age should we make children pray?” “Between the ages of six to seven years, make them pray.” Imam said.

The Prophet is quoted as saying, “Make your children pray at the age of seven.”

In another narration about parental duties with respect to children’s faith, Imam Baqir is quoted as saying, “At the age of three, teach the child the words of monotheism, i.e. La ilaha ill-Allah. At the age of four, teach the child to say Muhammad rasul Allah (Muhammad is God’s Prophet). At the age of five, make him face the kiblah and order him to prostrate before God. At the age of six, make him bow before God and teach him the right method of prostration. At the age of seven, tell the child to wash his hands and face (ablution) and pray.”

Parents and instructors should be aware that religion is of the greatest help to them because faith is like a burning torch that lights up the way and awakens the conscience. It can easily show the right path wherever there is deviation.

Source: The Prophet’s Attitude towards Children and Youth written by Muhammad Ali Chenarani

Doesn’t Marriage Decrease Our Spirituality?

May 8, 2016/in Consultation, home, Lifestyle /by amin edrisi

In Islam, contrary to Christianity, marriage and sex are not antipathetic to the love for and worship of God. Instead of an obstacle, marriage is regarded as an asset in acquiring spiritual perfection.

The Prophet (S) said, “One who marries has already guarded half of his religion, therefore he should fear Allah (SwT) for the other half.” A person who can fulfill his sexual urges lawfully is less distracted in the spiritual journey. Love for women and faith are inter-related.

In one hadith, Umar bin Zayd quotes Imam Jafar as-Sadiq (as) that, “I do not think that a person’s faith can increase positively unless his love for women has increased.”

The same Imam (as) said, “Whenever a person’s love for women increases, his faith increases in quality.” He also said, “Whosoever’s love for us increases, his love for women must also increase.”

The Prophet (S) said, “If anyone likes to meet Allah (SwT) in purity, then he should meet Him with a wife.”

A woman came to the Prophet’s (S) house and her strong perfume soon filled the house. When the Prophet (S) inquired about the visitor, the woman said that she had tried everything to attract her husband but in vain; he does not leave his meditation to pay any attention to her.

The Prophet (S) told her to inform her husband about the reward of sexual intercourse which he described as follows: “When a man approaches his wife, he is guarded by two angels and [at that moment in Allah’s views] he is like a warrior fighting for the cause of Allah (SwT). When he has intercourse with her, his sins fell like the leaves of the tree [in fall season]. When he performs the major ablution, he is cleansed from sins.”

These quotations from the Quran and the sayings of the Prophet (S) and the Imams of Ahlul Bayt (as) show that the Islamic view on sex and marriage is in complete harmony with human nature. It can easily be concluded that in the Islamic sexual morality:

(a) marriage and sex is highly recommended and it is in no way associated with evil, guilt or sin;

(b) monasticism and celibacy is unacceptable;

(c) marriage is considered a helping factor in attaining spiritual perfection. It prevents the Muslims from getting into sins and also enhances the value of their acts of worship.

These teachings neutralize the need for a sexual revolution in a Muslim society. Since there is no sexual suppression, the question of a sexual revolution does not arise.

Source: Marriage & Morals In Islam written by Hujjatul Islam Sayyid Muhammad Rizvi

12 Points to Save Marriage in its Early Years (3)

May 8, 2016/in Consultation, Lifestyle /by amin edrisi

Marriage as a Restriction

Muslim men who have grown up in present culture may find marriage restricting. After all, before, they could hang out with their buddies and come home around 11:00 p.m. and no one would say a word. After marriage though, they have to be home by 7:00 p.m. if not earlier!

While marriage comes with responsibilities and a tighter schedule, the benefits are also there. It takes time and patience to realize that in the end the benefits (i.e. a life partner, children, etc.) are greater than the restrictions.

Friends and Islamic Activities

Friends are a joy and a good friend is someone you want to be close to for the rest of your life. But friends are often the source of many marriage conflicts. Too much time spent with friends – either hanging out with them or being on the phone – means time lost with one’s spouse.

Also, friends, especially if they are of the same age group, may give the wrong advice on marriage, due to their own inexperience in the area.

Some possible solutions to the friend dilemma could be:

Working out a “friends time” at least once a week where the husband and the wife meet and/or talk with friends privately.
Developing friendships with other married couples so spouses can befriend spouses (but keeping in mind the separation of the sexes).
Islamic activities fall in a similar category. Young Muslim activists may think they can keep attending those three-hour Islamic discussions as they did before marriage.

Not so.

Too much focus on outside Islamic activities takes one away from spouse time. Give Islamic activities their due, but within a balance of everyone’s rights, including those of your spouse.

In Relation to Secrets

A number of young married couples are notorious for not keeping secrets, especially those related to sexual matters, and thus expose their spouse’s faults. This is not only unacceptable – but it is un-Islamic as well.

Couples should seek to hide each other’s faults. They should seek advice on marriage problems from a “marriage mentor”, someone who is older, wiser, trustworthy and has the best interests of both parties at heart. The Holy Quran tells us that:

هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ لَكُمْ وَأَنْتُمْ لِبَاسٌ لَهُنَّ

“They (your wives) are a clothing (covering) for you and you too are a clothing for them.”
(Surah 2, Verse 187)

The functions of clothing are numerous, however one of them is to cover any defects or faults a person may have on his or her body and thus, the husband and wife must act, just as the Quran commands us, as “clothing” for one another, meaning a cover.

Finances

How much should be spent on furniture, the house, food, etc.? These are staple issues of any household and can lead to a tug-of-war between husband and wife.

To keep spending in check, husbands and wives need to draft a budget and stick to it. The household will run more efficiently and that’s one less source of conflict in a marriage.

A special note to husbands: in the beginning of marriage, husbands tend to shower their wives with gifts. They do this as an expression of love and because they want to provide for their wives. However, as time passes and they keep giving, they go into debt or experience financial difficulty. As well, wives get used to a certain level of comfort which husbands can no longer afford.

Providing for a wife (and later on, a family) is not just reserved to material things. It includes spending time with them, and treating them with equity and kindness. In fact, most wives would prefer this kind of provision over expensive gifts.

Giving Each Other Space

A number of couples think being married means always being together and serving each other on hand and foot.

Wives may initially take over all the household chores, not letting the husband help or even do his own things (i.e. ironing his own clothes). They later regret this as household responsibilities increase and their husbands become dependent on them for the smallest things.

Husbands may think getting married means being with their wives all the time. This later may lead them to becoming irritable and cranky.

The key is to focus on being caring, fond of and accepting each other and giving each other sufficient space, yet at the same time, being there for one another. Doing this provides a necessary balance in a relationship which is so close both physically and emotionally.

Source: The Religion of Al-Islam and Marriage compiled by Arifa Hudda

12 Points to Save Marriage in its Early Years (2)

May 8, 2016/in Consultation, Lifestyle /by amin edrisi

Sexual Problems

It is unrealistic to expect the issue of sex and sex-related problems to mysteriously disappear once a couple gets married.

In the sex-saturated present culture, couples tend to place very high expectations of each other in this area. They also expect instant results.

In reality, it takes time, commitment, disappointment and investment to establish a sexual relationship in marriage which is in tune with the needs of each partner.

It’s important for Muslim couples to walk into marriage with proper information about sex and sexual etiquette from an Islamic perspective (the book Marriage and Morals in Islam, by Hujjatul Islam as-Sayyid Muhammad Rizvi is one such valuable resource). They both need to know what is halal (permissible) and what is haram (forbidden). They should also keep in mind that spouses must never discuss their sexual relationship with others, unless it is to get help for a specific problem and that too one must get it from the right person.

On a similar note, it is important for both the husband and the wife to remember that they need to make themselves physically attractive for each other. Too many couples take marriage to mean an excuse to now let themselves go. The couple or one of the partners may gain too much weight, or may not care about hygiene or their looks in general.

The universal teachings of Islam also instructs the husband and wife to maintain cleanliness and beauty for the spouse. The Prophet of Islam (S) has commanded us that:

إِنّ اللهَ جَمِيلٌ يُحِبُّ الْجَمالِ وَيُحِبُّ أَنْ يُرى أَثَرَ النِّعْمَةِ عَلى عَبْدِهِ.

“Certainly Allah (SwT) is Beauty and He (only) loves beauty and He loves to see the effects of (His) blessings and bounties on His servants.” (Al-Kafi, Volume 6, Page 438)

The Prophet (S) has also told us that:

إِغْسِلُوا ثِيابَكُمْ وَخُذُوا مِنْ شُعُورِكُمْ وَاسْتاكُوْا وَتَزَيَّنٍوا وَتَنَظَّفُوا فَإِنّ بَنِي إِسْرائِيلَ لَمْ يَكُونُوا يَفْعَلُونَ ذلِكَ فَزَنَتْ نِسائُهُمْ.

“Wash your clothes and trim the excess hair on your bodies and brush your teeth and beautify yourselves and keep yourselves clean, since certainly the Children of Israil never did these things and thus, their women committed adultery.” (Nahj al-Fusahah, Page 72)

We quote one final hadith on the importance of keeping clean and looking nice for one’s spouse where the Prophet (S) has been described as:

كَانَ رَسُولُ اللهِ يُنْفِقُ فِي الطِّيبِ أَكْثَرَ مِمّا يُنْفِقُ فِي الطّعامِ

“The Messenger of Allah (S) used to spend more money on perfumes, than he used to spend on food.” (Wasail ash-Shia, Volume 1, Page 443)

Thus, both the husband and wife must take the time out of their schedules to maintain proper hygiene, to look nice for one another and other such things related to their physical appearance. Our beloved Prophet (S) has recommended husband and wife both to do these things.

In-Laws

The first few years of marriage are not just a period of adjustment for the married couple, rather, it is one of getting used to in-laws as well.

Husbands, wives and in-laws need to practice the Islamic rules of social relations with each other. These include avoiding: sarcasm, backbiting, calling each other by offensive nicknames, and instead, making a special effort to respect each other as a family.

More importantly too, comparisons need to be avoided, since every individual and every couple is different. Therefore, wives should not be compared to mothers and sisters and similarly, husbands should not be compared to fathers and brothers. In-laws should not be compared to parents, and so on.

In addition, there should be regular, healthy contact between spouses and in-laws. This can mean visiting each other at least once or twice a month, or phoning regularly if distance makes it difficult to get together.

We should remember that many times in the Quran, we have been ordered to maintain our family ties and relationships and one of the greatest sins in Islam is to sever ties with family members. However at the same time, the husband and wife must maintain a balance between the time they spend with parents/in-laws and with themselves:

إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَأْمُرُ بِالْعَدْلِ وَالْإِحْسَانِ وَإِيتَاءِ ذِي الْقُرْبَىٰ وَيَنْهَىٰ عَنِ الْفَحْشَاءِ وَالْمُنْكَرِ وَالْبَغْيِ ۚ يَعِظُكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَذَكَّرُونَ

“Surely Allah (SwT) commands (people) to maintain justice, kindness, and proper relations with their relatives. He forbids them to commit indecency, sin, and rebellion and (Allah) gives you advice so that perhaps you will take heed.”
(Surah 16, Verse 90)

In another verse of the Quran, Allah (SwT) instructs us as such:

يَا أَيُّهَا النَّاسُ اتَّقُوا رَبَّكُمُ الَّذِي خَلَقَكُمْ مِنْ نَفْسٍ وَاحِدَةٍ وَخَلَقَ مِنْهَا زَوْجَهَا وَبَثَّ مِنْهُمَا رِجَالًا كَثِيرًا وَنِسَاءً ۚ وَاتَّقُوا اللَّهَ الَّذِي تَسَاءَلُونَ بِهِ وَالْأَرْحَامَ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ عَلَيْكُمْ رَقِيبًا

“O’ Mankind! Have fear of your Lord who has created you from a single soul. From it He created your spouse and through them He populated the land with many men and women. Have fear of the One by whose Name you swear to settle your differences and have respect for the wombs that bore you. Allah (SwT) certainly keeps watch over you.”(Surah 4, Verse 1)

Realism

Boy meets girl. They fall in love. They live happily ever after. This is the plot of many Hollywood movies, where everyone is “perfect”. Real life is very different.

Couples may enter marriage with high-flying romantic ideas and expecting their partner to be the ideal human, however all humans have good and bad points. Husbands and wives have to learn to accept each other, warts and all and since we ourselves are not perfect, how can we expect that form someone else?

Making a Schedule and Establishing Rituals

Making a schedule may seem like an end to spontaneity but that is not true. It allows you to establish your own lifestyle and rituals as a couple. It is especially important if both the husband and wife are going to school and/or working. In this scenario, a schedule helps in setting time aside for each other, during a fast-paced week of work and studies.

Some rituals couples can establish may include:

Praying at least one prayer together.
Performing the recommended supplications such as Dua-e-Kumayl, Dua-e-Tawassul, Dua-e-Nudbah, etc… together.
Attending a study circle together once a week.
Deciding on a weekly menu.
Having a pancake breakfast every Saturday morning.
Setting aside one day on which no work or studying will be done.
Setting a day when both the husband and wife will clean up the house.
Setting a time to discuss finances and a budget.
Making a phone call to your spouse during the day.
Deciding on a particular day and time once a month at least to visit each other’s parents.

By discussing and setting up these rituals, couples learn how to talk to and feel responsible for each other. They also learn to become a team instead of two people living in the same house with separate lives.

Source: The Religion of Al-Islam and Marriage compiled by Arifa Hudda

12 Points to Save Marriage in its Early Years (1)

May 8, 2016/in Consultation, Lifestyle /by amin edrisi

The first five to seven years are the most challenging of any marriage. They are the time that the couple spends getting to know one another better and adjusting to each other’s habits and personalities. Below, are some of the main problems couples face in the early years, and some possible solutions.

Lack of Proper Information before Marriage

A number of problems are caused simply by the fact that the couple and their families go not discuss crucial issues beforehand. Some of these include:

Whether or not the wife will work outside the home?
Will the couple wait to have children?
Which city and country will the couple live in after marriage?
Will they live with his parents or have their own house or apartment?

These and other relevant issues need to be discussed and decided in the beginning stages of the marriage process.

Who’s In Charge?

One of the biggest problems is the tug-of-war between couples over who is in control in the relationship. This has led to a stalemate in disagreements, as well as bitter feelings. Many couples today are refusing to compromise within moderation when differences arise. While from an Islamic perspective, the husband is given the leadership role in the marriage relationship, this does not mean that he can run the family life like a dictator. Allah (SwT) instructs in the Quran that:

الرِّجَالُ قَوَّامُونَ عَلَى النِّسَاءِ بِمَا فَضَّلَ اللَّهُ بَعْضَهُمْ عَلَىٰ بَعْضٍ وَبِمَا أَنْفَقُوا مِنْ أَمْوَالِهِمْ ۚ فَالصَّالِحَاتُ قَانِتَاتٌ حَافِظَاتٌ لِلْغَيْبِ بِمَا حَفِظَ اللَّهُ ۚ

“Men are the maintainers of women because Allah has made  some of them to excel others and because they spend out of their property; the good women are therefore obedient, guarding the unseen as Allah has guarded…”(Surah 4, Verse 34)

It must be remembered that Islamicly, a leader is one who serves, manages, provides and nourishes. A leader must also have humbleness and humility and deal with all of those under his care and protection with justice and equality.

A husband exercises the right kind of leadership by listening to and consulting with his wife.
Also, a husband is bound to follow the rules of the Quran and Sunnah of the Prophet (S) and the Ahlul Bait (as). So differences in opinion should be referred back to these sources (and of course the Religious Scholars in our local community), instead of becoming a source of tension and problems.

Not only is it the duty of the head of the house to make sure that the material needs of the family and order are kept, but it is also his duty to protect himself and his family from the fire of hell:

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا قُوا أَنْفُسَكُمْ وَأَهْلِيكُمْ نَارًا وَقُودُهَا النَّاسُ وَالْحِجَارَةُ عَلَيْهَا مَلَائِكَةٌ غِلَاظٌ شِدَادٌ لَا يَعْصُونَ اللَّهَ مَا أَمَرَهُمْ وَيَفْعَلُونَ مَا يُؤْمَرُونَ

“O’ you who have true faith! Save yourselves and your families from the fire which is fueled by people and stones and is guarded by stern angels who do not disobey Allah’s (SwT) commands and do whatever they are ordered to do.” (Surah 66, Verse 6)

Therefore, the head of the house must make sure that he has the proper Islamic knowledge to keep himself away from the hell and more importantly, guide his wife and children to the straight path and keep them on this road. In this regards, the husband has four important duties:

To invite his wife and children and any others under his care to obey Allah (SwT). The husband should call his family to follow the religion and encourage them in this regard.
Teach those under his care their religious duties and obligations. Of course this means that the husband must first and foremost know his own religion and beliefs. If he is not well acquainted with his religion, then he must employ the services of the local Masjid and the scholars and either invite them to his house or go to the Masjid for Islamic classes.
Encourage the family members to perform good deeds (Amr bil Maruf), as not only is this one of the obligatory acts in our religion, but it will also help the family both in the short term and long term. If they know their responsibilities and are continuously guided to them, then peace, harmony and tranquility will rule throughout the house.
The father must also make sure and remind other members of his family to stay away from evil and sin (Nahi Anil Munkar). Again, this is a part of our beliefs and without doubt, that home in which people are not plagued with committing sins and evil acts is one in which Allah (SwT) looks favorably upon and blesses the inhabitants of it.
The Divorce Option

Once upon a time, “divorce” was the seven-letter word most Muslim couples avoided using. Today, amongst many Muslim couples, it is one of the first recourses turned to when conflicts occur in a marriage.

It should be remembered that out of all of the things that Allah (SwT) has made halal (permissible), divorce is the one He hates the most. Couples need to look at several other alternatives before turning to this drastic measure. The Prophet of Islam (S) has told us that:

ما خَلَقَ اللهُ شَيْئاً عَلى وَجْهِ الأَرْضِ أَحَبَّ مِنَ الْعَتاقِ وَلا خَلَقَ شَيْئاً عَلى وَجْهِ الأَرْضِ أَبْغَضَ مِنَ الطَّلاقِ.

“Allah (SwT) has not created on the face of this Earth anything more beloved by Him than freeing a slave, and He has not created anything on the face of this Earth more despised than divorce.”

The couple should seek the help of older, wiser and trustworthy elders and Scholars who will try to help them resolve their differences. Allah (SwT) tells us in the Quran that:

وَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ شِقَاقَ بَيْنِهِمَا فَابْعَثُوا حَكَمًا مِنْ أَهْلِهِ وَحَكَمًا مِنْ أَهْلِهَا إِنْ يُرِيدَا إِصْلَاحًا يُوَفِّقِ اللَّهُ بَيْنَهُمَا ۗ إِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ عَلِيمًا خَبِيرًا

“If there appears to be discord between a wife and her husband and if they desire reconciliation, then choose arbiters from the families of both sides. Allah (SwT) will bring them together; Allah (SwT) is All-Knowing and All-Aware.” (Surah 4, Verse 35)

Generally, the couple needs to make a sincere and concerted effort to try and work things out before divorce is even considered.

Source: The Religion of Al-Islam and Marriage compiled by Arifa Hudda

How Are Men’s Bad Characteristics Women’s Good Characteristics?

May 7, 2016/in Lifestyle, Relations Between Couples /by amin edrisi

In Imam Ali’s (P) words, the best elements of a Muslim woman’s personality which are considered at the same time the worst for men, are as follows:

خيار خصال النساء شرار خصال الرجال، الزهو و الجبن و البخل، فاذا كانت المرأة مزهوةً لم تمكن من نفسها و اذا كانت بخيله حفظت مالها و مال بعلها و اذا كانت جبانة فرقت من كل شيئ يعرض لها.

(زهو) (Zahv means inviolability that is a woman must be inviolable in her social activities and her sense of pride should be dominant over her predisposition.)

If a woman were inviolable, she would never allow a stranger to have authority over herself and if woman were niggardly, she would take care of the economy of the family and if a woman were timid she would never be involved with things that would be a threat to her chastity. However, in the field of education and training it is said that a person should be extrovert, have social communications and seek for a brethren in religion and must never fear.

If these three elements of the personality of a woman, which have been mentioned according to Imam Ali’s (P) perspective, seem unusual, more explanation and interpretation are required. These elements, which endanger woman and put her in a predicament are of two states, the general and particular here, the particular state is mentioned. Such destructive characteristics in both woman and man are not desirable in the general state, since Islam endeavors to educate human beings who are free from arrogance, fear and pride.

So, Imam Ali (P) does not consider the elements of pride and inviolability in its general state however, inviolability has a different meaning from pride. Inviolability means that Islam has defined a structure for a woman’s personality. According to educational and training standards, a woman must be extrovert and be able to relate with others easily and if she could not relate with the opposite sex, she may have reservations with the opposite sex, while according to Islam, a woman must observe a boundary in her social responsibilities.

Regarding the characteristic of niggardly, its general state is considered as well. When the Holy Qur’an states:

…وَمَنْ يُوقَ شُحَّ نَفْسِهِ فَأُولَٰئِكَ هُمُ الْمُفْلِحُونَ

“Those who are shielded from their own avarice will be prosperous.” (59:9)

His Holiness Ali (P) discarding such an incorrect concept through the analysis and interpretation of his words, states:

فاذا كانت المرأة مزهوة لم تمكن من نفسها

“If a woman continually observe a boundary and certain precautions in her own social relations, she will never be exploited and vulnerable.

لم تمكن نفساً ً

“She never allows herself to be misused.”

فاذا كانت بخيله

“If she has the characteristic of stinginess……”

حفظت مالها و مال بعلها

“.. she will safeguard her own property, that of her marital life and also that of her husband.”

فاذا كانت جبانة فرقت شيئ يعرض لها

“If a woman be concerned, in social interactions she will have fright and together with precaution and apprehension driving away many calamities and contention as well.”

Nevertheless, Imam Ali (P) considers the best characteristics of women as the worst attributes of man pointing out that from the Islamic point of view the role and position of woman is completely different from that of man in marital life. The nature and personality of woman had been created in a manner that is compatible with such characteristics and virtues.

The martyr, Motahari states: “The reason why the characteristics mentioned in this narration are not considered in general, in its absolute state and include particular instances, is that regarding stinginess, if its general state is mentioned, it will be incompatible with the certainties of the Holy Qur’an. The verse:

…وَمَنْ يُوقَ شُحَّ نَفْسِهِ فَأُولَٰئِكَ هُمُ الْمُفْلِحُونَ

“Those who are shielded from their own avarice will be prosperous.” (59:9)

Considers the element of prosperity as the point opposite to stinginess. It is expected of a woman to be proud towards strangers and not towards the husband, other women and/or her relatives close to her. What is focused upon is the pride in order to safeguard chastity and perform social responsibilities.

According to the above-mentioned verse, obsession of this world is condemned and one who can rescue oneself from this obsession and free oneself from worship of worldly matters or wealth will reach the stage of prosperity. So, it is not the best characteristic for a woman not to spend out of her property. Her Eminence Zahra, (P) as an example did not have stinginess in its general state. Stinginess is for the purpose of:

المرأة راعية علي بيت اهلها

“The woman is the supervisor and the one responsible inside the house, in the family and in relation with her husband.”

As I have mentioned, Islam considers some characteristics favorable to woman, which are undesirable for man. Definitely, the general state of these characteristics because of its incompatibility with the certainties of the Holy Qur’an is not desired. The preference and encouragement of the characteristics of pride fear and stinginess is because of the vulnerability of woman. Stinginess and niggardliness is for the conjugal property according to Imam Ali (P) who states:

اذا كانت بخيلة حفظت مالها و مال بعلها

“Of course, both woman and man are responsible to safeguard conjugal property.”

The woman has an essence called chastity, which is vulnerable in social interactions therefore, she must possess a characteristic required to guard this vulnerability. Throughout history nowhere has it been mentioned that a woman violated a man, on the contrary, there have been so many cases regarding violations against woman.

Therefore, fear is for safeguarding the chastity of a woman and encouraging to have this characteristic is observing precaution. Accordingly, perseverance and sensitivity in defending chastity as the basis of personality and complement of woman’s dignity has been recommended to her.

The Martyr Motahhari states: “A woman’s fear in the position of enjoining the good and forbidding the wrong is condemned. The verse:

المومنون و المومنات بعضهم اولياء‌ بعض يامرون بالمعرو ف و ينهون عن المنكر

“Some men believers and women believers are superior over the other believers they command decency and forbid dishonor.”

Considers woman and man as partners and equal in enjoining the good and forbidding the wrong. To safeguard values it is said that one has to offer one’s wealth or life unless it may cost your chastity. So fear has meaning only in this point. Where it is stated “enjoin the good”, it says:

المومنون و المومنات. . .

“Men and women believers.”

or says:

الرجال قوامون علي النساء بما فضل الله بعضهم علي بعض

“Men are the ones who should support women since God has given some persons advantages over others.”

It does not say:

بما فضل الله الرجال علي النساء

“Since God has given men advantages over women.”

In fact here it means mutual rights not superiority. The interpretation of guardianship is presented and guardianship is not specified to men, rather woman is the one who safeguards values and fundamentals as well. However, God considers the characteristics of both woman and man and accordingly the duty of superiority.

In the words of the Chief of the Faithful, fear in its absolute sense is not considered, for instance, the action of Her Eminence Zahra to reclaim Fadak, is an example and the action not being for material gain indicates the courage of that lady.

His Holiness Ali (P) observing one, who has such an indifference towards the world, comes to the field in like manner, bears difficulties and never fears, never stated that the actions of Her Eminence Zahra (P) were incompatible with the fundamentals of Islam. For instance, at the time of usurpation of the caliphate, she, along with a group of women of Quraish entered the mosque to prove the legitimacy of the guardianship leadership of the Chief of the Faithful (P) and safeguard the principles as well. This shows why fear is reasonable on some occasions and is not desirable in any conditions. It can only be practical for safeguarding and protecting the woman.

Written by Abbas Ali Shameli