What should I do if I have a teenager who neglects prayers and is not interested in hijab?

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Question: My daughter is seventeen years old. She pays no attention to prayers. I hate forcing her to offer prayers against her will, but at the same time I cannot bear to have her give up prayers. Moreover, she does not care for her veil. With what would you advise me to make her abide by these religious obligations?

The answer: First, please, excuse me to say that you have come late!

Second, you should offer prayers in her presence without making her think that you do it intentionally, and after your prayers, supplicate to Allah for her. Mention her name and pray to Allah to make her successful in her life! This will gradually make her love prayers, and whenever she achieves success or gains some good, tell her that this is because of the blessing of supplication after prayers!

Third, you should buy her some Islamic books, especially those concerning the importance of prayers and veil and their meanings and constructive influences in life. Bring her audio and video cassettes and CDs to create a religious atmosphere in the house for her!

Fourth, ask her to remind you of the time of azan! By this you will make her, somehow, care for prayer and you will pave the way for her to accept this sacred obligation. On some occasions, you should mention to her the advantages of veiling and show her the opinions of the Qur’an and the Prophetic traditions about it.

Fifth, if she is not affected after practicing these steps for sometime, you should discuss with her why she does not offer prayers and why she does not care for her veil. Try to answer her questions quietly, logically, kindly, and attractively!

Sixth, when, someday, she does offer the prayer, thank her and encourage her! Tell her: dear daughter, I see a light on your face. This light will illuminate your way towards the perfect happiness if you keep up your prayers thoughtfully and longingly!

Finally, you should know that this role is not limited to you alone. You have to encourage your wife and other religious women in the family to participate in it. If it is possible, you can bind her to friendship with some religious girls.

FOR A BETTER FUTURE

I would like to know the motives for my child’s acting nervous and violent.

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Question: I would like to know the motives for my child’s acting nervous and violent. He rebels against my advices and does the opposite of what I ask him to do.

The answer: First, when your child rebels, you have to think of these three questions: when, why, and how. When you are able to identify when this state begins, why it begins, and how, then you will recognize the motives that make him resist and rebel against you. Most likely, you will find that it is you who should be blamed for that. If it is in fact so, then you must change your manner of advising him.

Second, sometimes your intention is good when advising, but your manner of advising is not right. You should know that it is wisdom to choose effective ways and manners of giving advice because sometimes the manner is better than the advice itself.

Third, the kinds of foods you often have in your house, and especially canned foods and other products that come to us from foreign countries, may have a negative effect on the nerves, cause excitement, and increase the temperature of blood. It is necessary to follow, in our foods, a culture derived from our Islamic values.

Fourth, watching violent films has a very bad influence on children’s mentalities. Children learn from such films mutiny, resistance, and other bad behaviors that do not befit a Muslim.

FOR A BETTER FUTURE

What is your opinion about the plays of children and with what do you advise parents to play with their children?

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Question: What is your opinion about the plays of children and with what do you advise parents to play with their children?

The answer: Man is a sociable being by nature, but if he does not protect himself with a sound culture, he will turn into a sick member of society, and his personality is shaped according to the culture he receives and the social role he plays. This matter begins with childhood. If a man receives during his childhood a sound culture and sound social senses, he will be ready to enjoy success; otherwise, he will be liable to deviation.

Educationists say that childhood is a third of one’s normal age. If the needs of a child are satisfied and he is provided with useful toys and playthings, he will be more ready to undertake a successful role in society in the future. In the light of this theory, we present the following suggestions:

1. Parents have to choose for their child useful playthings that have constructive and educational purposes and that can open his mind and help him mix in society successfully. We do not mean to totally prevent the child from playing alone, but let most of his play be of the kind that needs another child to play with; and however more players the play may require, the sense of sociability and communication with others will increase.

2. There is no doubt that mental games are preferred in importance to physical games, but each have their undeniable importance and advantage in building a well-rounded personality of the child.

3. Parents should know that however they conduct themselves, whether with good behaviors and nice words or with quarrels and bad words, will reflect on the child, especially when he is alone with his toys. He will behave according to what he has acquired from his parents because they are the closest ones who the child imitates and is influenced by. This state remains with the child, whether it is good or bad, and others can discover the morals of the parents in the house through the behaviors of the child. Hence, parents must be careful regarding their behaviors with their child or in his presence because this will leave a great influence on his mentality.

4. It is necessary to submit to the child’s desire in choosing the kind of toys for him, but if he chooses something that is harmful for him, he must be convinced wisely to choose better alternatives.

5. Parents should keep the child away from plays and games of violence, especially computer games such as wrestling, karate, and the like.

6. Providing the child with different kinds of useful toys and games is very important for him.

FOR A BETTER FUTURE

From where do children receive their culture?

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Question: From where do children receive their culture? Is it from their parents, TV programs, or school programs? This was the subject of a discussion that recently took place in a family meeting. Most of us said that TV programs were the first source from which a child obtains his culture and conducts. Do you have anything else with which to advise us? Thanks.

The answer: The child begins receiving his culture from the first moment when he begins to feel whatever is happening around him inside the house. Thus, the parents are the first source of the culture by which the child is influenced and with which he grows up. His first step begins with the blind imitation of every movement, gesture, and word of his parents, especially the mother and then the father, and then the others in the family and the children of the same age whether in the house, street, school, TV, or illustrated magazines.

Allama Sayyid Hadi al-Mudarrisi says, ‘Man is not only the son of his class – as Marx says – but he is the son of his culture, education, and environment before all.’

The experiments of educationists have proven that the child receives from the one around him all his gestures and words and even his gait, way of eating, etc. They say that man is a creature who acts according to nature and is sociable by influence. The kind of culture around him enables him to change continuously, whether positively or negatively, until the last moment of his life.

TV programs are one of the most important sources of injecting cultures into a child, but it is not more important than the culture of the parents, except if their culture is to throw the child towards those programs to feed on them all the time.

FOR A BETTER FUTURE

How is the personality of a child formed?

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Question: After having our first child by the will of Allah the Almighty, an argument took place between my wife and me about how the personality of a child is formed. Would you please give us an answer to settle our argument?

The answer: The personality of a child is built through the following factors:

1. The natural faith in the true religion of Allah; a child, regardless of whoever and whatever he may turn out to be, is born with the divine nature that is the true Islam. Allah has said, (Surely the (true) religion with Allah is Islam). However, it is the parents who make their children either Jews, Christians, or Magi based on their own beliefs. So deviation begins with external factors, the first of which is the parents’ beliefs and conducts.

2. The intellectual and practical level of parents; however developed in intellect and conducts they are, their child will be similar to them.

3. The relationship between the parents and the child; if it is close, full of love and care, the child’s personality and mentality will be shaped in a way that will help him to be successful in the future.

4. Orderliness, mannerliness, discipline, and cleanliness; the child grows accustomed to these items from his environment, and they become parts of his future personality.

5. The wise administration of the family; many sufferings inside the house are caused by a weak administration of family affairs. The father or the mother, or both, must have the ability of leadership to administrate every affair concerning the family in order to help the family arrive at the shore of happiness and ease. Leadership is not dictatorship, but rather, it is the art of winning hearts and attracting them to the right opinion.

FOR A BETTER FUTURE

We are exhausted in trying to raise upright children in light of all the challenges today; what should we do?

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Question: I think educating children is one of the most difficult tasks in this time period, when we are surrounded with the cultural attacks of imperialism and corruption, when poverty and our worries about the futures of our children have increased, and likewise when the different diseases of this age have increased. All of this has made us exhausted in life. I think we are in a time where we have lost sight of the right way because of the many suspicious ways. Do you agree with me on this?

The answer: We confess that education in the past ages was much easier than it is in our present age due to some real reasons and facts. With this confession, we do not aim to submit to the negative sides of those reasons, but rather, we aim to understand them in order to undertake the legal responsibilities towards preventing their dangers. Here we would like to refer to these facts:

The first fact is technological development and the penetration of material means into man’s life, such as the television, telephone, video, computer, internet, fax, and different films, which enter houses and closed rooms via satellites.

The second fact is the increase and ease of the means of interrelations and communications between people, which make information and cultures intermingle with each other.

The third is the variety of people’s needs and their dissatisfaction with certain things. In other words, they are busy with fashions besides their desires to possess all that is new.

The fourth is the activities connected with the adventitious facts that have entered the lives of individuals and families and are followed by cultures and interests of the same kind.

The fifth is the prevalence of information, or what is called “the information explosion.” As soon as one understands a piece of news or an information, hundreds of news and information come to him to exhaust his mind, and then he cannot conceive which one is the most important or, in fact, he cannot distinguish between the important and the more important ones.

The sixth is the differences between tastes and tacts concerning the new things and facts mentioned above and their consequences. These differences cause disagreements, quarrels, and different problems that instigate in man a state of abandonment, resistance, and mutiny, even in intellectual and religious matters as is clear from the conducts of the youths of nowadays.

These facts are features of the globalization the universal arrogants offered to the nations at the beginning of the year 2000 to let them enter a third millennium full of moral corruption, perversion, and the diseaseful consequences that lead to mistrust of the beliefs, deviation, class-war, and social disassembly.

In our present age, man, due to these facts, suffers mental and physical exhaustion. He has no morale or power to communicate with his children or discuss with them their affairs and problems. This has a bad influence on the educational and sentimental affairs inside his family and on the private relations with his wife. Therefore, man has to know his time and its facts as carefully as he can, besides knowing his religion and the goal of his existence in the earth. Thus, he will be able to choose the way to success and be safe from becoming involved in the trap of imperialism. If we do not analyze things in the correct way, others will dissolve us with their ill analyses.
FOR A BETTER FUTURE

Please explain the Islamic philosophy of education so that I may compare it to modern theories of education.

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Question: I am a university graduate. I am married and have children. I have read books on education by non-Islamic authors. Would you please show me the educational dimensions in Islam so that I can compare what I have read with what you will deign?

The answer: First, I would like to invite you to read what our virtuous scholars have written in this field. They have written useful studies, and some of them have completed what others have written. Here, I am just noting for you some important bullet points followed by summaries. I would like to say: educating man with the perfect Islamic teachings requires paying great attention to all dimensions, beginning with the first moment when the sperm and the ovum convene, such as being in a state of purity, choosing a suitable night and a suitable hour (for sleeping together), being mentally calm, reciting supplications, beginning with the name of Allah, and seeking His protection from the Satan as detailed in certain religious books. As for after birth, there are four dimensions that must be kept in mind:

1. Bodily dimension

Great attention must be paid to the course of food, cleanliness, times of rest, and treatments of diseases before the rise of complications; otherwise, a child will be nervous and gradually become sick, introverted, and lacking in self-confidence.

2. Moral dimension

It means the ability to act according to the moral values. Without this ability, man’s actions will be away from the virtuous, moral values.

3. Social dimension

If a child is introverted or aggressive, it means he has had a weak social education and must then be taught the principles of social relations with others, such as respecting others, dealing with them peaceably, and not violating their rights.

4. Mental and intellectual dimension

This is a very important factor in educating a child and finding in him an open, delightful, and balanced mentality, because man’s knowledge and wide range of information enable him to comprehend different affairs.

The ground of these dimensions is formed in the stage of childhood if attention is paid to the aforementioned points. I hope that you will benefit more from what the virtuous scholars have detailed in their books about this matter.

FOR A BETTER FUTURE

Would you please do us a favor by showing the stages of the cultural growth of children in the light of the Islamic view?

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Question: Would you please do us a favor by showing the stages of the cultural growth of children in the light of the Islamic view?
 
The answer: There are four stages:

First, the stage of suckling, which begins from birth and lasts until the child becomes a year and a half. In this period, the child receives his cultural growth through his attempts of success and failure. The mother must undertake her basic role in this important stage because the child is a deposit of Allah in her hand. If she does not help him to begin his life with the name of Allah, he will get to the Satan and the responsibility will be on her.

Second, the stage of childhood, which is composed of two periods: the first one begins after the year and a half of suckling up until the age of seven and the second period begins from the seventh year up until the twelfth.

The child learns in the first period – until the seventh year of his age – words, concepts, morals, and habits by watching and imitating. Therefore, those who are responsible for educating the child must pay close attention to this opportunity of teaching the child good morals and habits. These morals and habits can be noticed when the child imitates his father or mother in some of his plays such as the way of their speaking, gaits, and looking.

In the second period – until the twelfth year – the child begins analyzing meanings to comprehend bigger things. However, the family still has an effective role on his growth, but it is less than that of the first period because, in this age, the child is connected with school and classmates, and therefore, his presence among his family becomes less than before, and on the other hand, his mind opens for other things.

In this period, the child looks for a role model. It is very important for parents to either be good examples or find their child a good example to imitate. The socio-psychological studies have showed that most of the deviate youth and criminal men were, in this period, receiving their deviate and criminal lessons from their bad role models. Let parents beware that their children not take their role models, in this period from seven to twelve, from films or other programs that they watch.

Third, the stage of adolescence, which is from the twelfth until the eighteenth year. This is the most critical stage of growth that the Prophet (S) has described as “a kind of madness” and Imam Ali (a.s.) has said, “It is intoxication”.

The physical changes that take place in this stage are:

1. Quick growth; some changes take place in the outer shape of a man in this stage that cause a teenager to often look at himself in the mirror and ponder long over his new shape.

2. Change in the tone of a teenager’s voice to becoming rough and hoarse

3. Growth of the sexual lust; if a teenager is not instructed with the lawful and the unlawful concerning the matter of sex, he will become involved in sin.

The psychological changes are:

1. Excitement and nervousness

2. Secret thinking and pondering over what will happen

3. Feeling independent

The changes in the practical field:

1. Mutiny and objection

2. Taking occasional and sudden decisions without premeditation

3. Acting and then thinking

4. Taking famous persons as examples

5. Not accepting the supervision of others; a teenager does not tolerate the direct ordering or forbidding from his parents.

6. The desire of venturing and showing one’s personality

In this stage, the influence of parents on the youth weakens while the influence of the street, school, and the outside becomes strong. If parents spend the previous stages with their child in the correct way, they can easily, in this stage, connect their child with mosques, Islamic foundations, good scholars, and faithful friends to help them pass this stage without troubles; otherwise, the hands of the devils will snatch him to educate him with the culture of the people of Hell.

Fourth, the stage of youth, which begins after the eighteenth year when the storm of adolescence gradually calms down. Now, a young person begins his/her practical thinking of his/her scientific and professional future and thinks of choosing a spouse. This responsible state continues and becomes stronger after marriage and parenthood. Due to past and present cultural spheres, discernment and serious thinking emerge in one’s personality. The general social spheres and the cultural establishments surrounding man have a great effect on forming his personality.

What is the best way to raise children and teenagers: closely watching and managing their affairs, or trusting them and giving them freedom?

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Question: I am often confused as to how to deal with my children. In this age, in which corruption has spread everywhere, I do not know which way I should follow in educating them, especially those among them who are teenagers. I am very careful for them and precise in watching them because I am afraid that they may do some things secretly that may displease the Lord. Their father is opposite to me and this causes disagreements and disputes between us many times. He says that my way will lead them to deviation while I think that his way in not watching them will be responsible for their deviation if one day it happens-Allah forbid! What do you think, Your Eminence?

The answer: Moderation in everything is the aspect of the umma that Islam wants us to adopt. We are people of a religion that permits neither waste nor excess. It announces clearly that (And thus We have made you a medium (just) nation that you may be the bearers of witness to the people and (that) the Messenger may be a bearer of witness to you).

Dear sister, if you are excessive in the educating of your children, please read carefully what I quote here from a letter written by a twenty year old young man to his mother complaining of his state to her for she has been excessive in watching him. He says:

‘I like to choose my concerns by myself. I like if you would permit me to try life. I like to travel by myself. I like to…

But you always say to me: if an accident happens to you, then what? If some misfortune afflicts you, then what? If…

You still want to catch my hand and take me with you wherever you like. My opinion and thought have no value in your judgment.

You say to me: What if you fall into an accident? Or you are involved in a trap? Or you commit a sin? Or you become corrupted…?

O mother, everyday you repeat these words many times instead of guiding me with what I should do in order to not fall into an accident or become involved in a trap or commit a sin or slip into corruption!!

O mother, now I am twenty years old, but I have no will. Do you know why?

It is because of your excessive fears; you have killed confidence inside me. You have prevented me from learning self-confidence in taking decisions because you always made decisions for me. Perhaps, you wished to sit beside me on the chair in my classroom fearing that I might make mistakes in my school lessons!

O mother, today I am unsuccessful in my social relations. Between myself and those of the same age, there is a big difference in mentality. They say to me: O weak, fearful, pampered, coward…

Yes, I really am so. I fear all. I trust in no one. I have no hope for the future. Today, I am unable to even choose my university specialization or my future job.

O mother, I like to do many things, but your “NO” makes me give up everything. With this “NO” you have closed my way. I think if you could breathe for me, you would…!’

Dear sister, with the aforementioned lines, I do not want to say that you are mistaken in watching your children, but I want to say that too many warnings that exceed reasonable limits will have the exact opposite effect from what you want.

By the way, it is said that one day a father saw his son on the front edge of the house’s roof and ordered him to go back lest he should fall down. The son went back a few steps, but the father, out of his fear for his son, ordered him to go back further and the son went back a few more steps. The father was still worried and ordered his son to go back even more until the son fell down from the other side. The father hit his head crying: O my son!

It is necessary for parents to know that each age has its own particular moralities that should be acknowledged within the general topic of morals in Islam. Let us not complicate our children and then cause them to appear abnormal among people! At the same time, we should not let them be so free to do whatever they like as if they have no religion and forsake the best of the heavenly religions.

You would be better off in allowing your children to advance in their lives, but with teaching them virtues and warning them of vices and their ends.

When you detect some deviation in them, you must suppress your anger and be calm and give them advice in a wise way. You should know that Allah has opened the door of repentance to His people, especially to the youth, and He knows they are weak. Hence, you should not suspect them and not be severe to them because this will take them away from religion and make them resist and go astray.

Besides all this, you should discuss the matter with your husband if he is lacking in his relation to the children. You should sit together and formulate wise methods of dealing with your children because they represent you before others and will replace you after your death. See how you want others to regard you!

What are practical methods for raising upright children?

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Question: How should we educate our child and feed him with religious teachings, moral values, social principles, and historical lessons? Could you suggest a practical and successful method?

The answer: There are still fathers and mothers like those of the past who at bedtime tell their children nice stories with useful meanings and in a wonderful manner of telling. Many of those meaningful stories have educated children with sound concepts, and when they became old, they still remembered them and took sufficient lessons from them.

In our present age, we should not ignore the sincere efforts of those who spread modern Islamic information through audio and video cassettes, CDs, magazines, and books. May Allah reward them with the best of good.

It is wrong to think that a child does not understand or comprehend what we mean or that he does not benefit from our stories. The Islamic experts, based on the traditions of Ahlul Bayt (a.s.) and different experiments, have discovered that a child is able to comprehend the meanings of others’ words from the fourth month in his mother’s womb. Therefore, traditions recommend mothers to recite the Holy Qur’an during the period of pregnancy and after giving birth even if it is through audio cassettes because a child responds and reacts to the Qur’anic inspirations, which have an influence on his mentality, morals and behaviors when he grows up. Similarly, the azan and iqama are recited in the two ears of a newborn child.

Thus, a meaningful story with good moral and social contents leaves a constructive effect on the personality of a child in the present and future.

From among the necessities of education at this stage is buying some books for the child that fit his intellectual level, and it does not matter if he tears them, because after tearing the tenth book, for example, he will make friends with the eleventh book. He will keep it safe and read it. Here you can win his friendship with books throughout his life, and the loss of tearing ten books in comparison with this winning is not so important.

Parents can read to their child from the storybooks of children, and they will thus kill two birds with one stone, because the child will like books and benefit from the contents of the stories at the same time. I suggest that you hang this statement on the most noticeable wall in the house: “a good book should be read several times, discussed several times, and relied on throughout one’s life.”