My wife and I love each other but we often quarrel and we do not know how to solve our problem.

Question: We are quarrelsome spouses. We love each other, but we do not know why we quarrel, and over very trivial things too. After that, we sit crying and then come to an agreement with each other. After sometime, we return to another quarrel. Our marital life is ridiculous, is it not? Sometimes I think of divorce, but then I regret and ask Allah to forgive me. I am confused, my wife is confused, and so are our children.

The answer: The most important factor in solving marital problems is for the spouses themselves to be determined to solve their problems. Without their intention and determination, they will not arrive at any solution at all. As for divorce, it is not the first nor is it the second solution, but it is the last of the last of solutions. Statistics have proven that those who hurry towards divorce, even in their new marriages their problems remain with them. You should be certain that unstudied divorce is not a suitable solution; rather, it will be a cause for bigger problems.

The best solution lies in following these instructions:

1. One should be quiet and have calm nerves. This is done by turning to Allah and remembering that man will be afflicted with the wrath of Allah if he submits to his fancy and desires. One should go to religious centers, talk with religious scholars and ethicists, and call to mind the horrible terrors of the afterlife. These things will have a great effect on man in encouraging him to find a suitable solution and carry it out.

2. One should be fair in disagreements. This is an important factor that leads to a solution. Both disagreeing sides have to pay close attention to this moral value that will lead them to the truth.

3. One should have an actual understanding of things; this means that spouses should know that life is not free from problems, disagreements, and differences of taste. Therefore, each one has to ignore the wrong the other side has done to him.

4. Disagreement in itself does not cause problems; rather, it is made by the methods each of the disagreeing sides takes in dealing with the disagreement. Hence, good and reasonable methods should be taken whenever there is a disagreement.

5. Let us learn how to listen to whoever disagrees with us! This principle helps the disagreeing spouses reduce the intensity of their disagreements, and they may, after that, discover that they have disagreed over a trivial thing.

6. Whenever we discover our fault and become certain that the other side is right, we must accept the truth and apologize and then discuss the details little by little.

7. Whatever the disagreement, alienation, and separation, spouses must not give up the joint duties and responsibilities that keep the family sound and safe, especially not those concerning their children. The experiences of quarrelsome spouses, who adhered to their joint responsibilities in spite of their disagreements, have proven that they, after a short time, agreed with each other and picked the sweet fruits of happiness and felicity.

8. Spouses should take sufficient time for thinking, for this helps to solve problems. Each one of the disagreeing spouses should sit privately, reviewing himself to discover his own mistakes and determining to repair his faults.

9. Spouses should not keep problems in mind except when trying to find a solution for it.

10. They should try to limit the problems and not relate these problems to previous ones, because limiting the problems helps to find easy solutions and achieve a happy marital life. Let us always remember that willpower and determination are the keys to these solutions and instructions. And on Allah let the believers rely!