Archive for category: Lifestyle

Question: My husband has good characteristics, but nevertheless he also has some extreme bad conducts. I do not know how to advise him without causing his anger against me and throwing my marital life into troubles.

The answer: Dear sister, criticizing and advising are like surgical operations but are not conducted on the body; rather, they are done on the spirit and the soul. Therefore it is a very difficult operation requiring accuracy besides the following points:

1. Criticism must be preceded by love and a close relationship on both sides because without these, criticism becomes more a cause of disagreement and reluctance between spouses.

2. You should begin your talk with him by praising his good characteristics and then proceed little by little to criticize his bad behaviors. Praising him will make him trust in your love for him and will strengthen his morale, and then you will find he will accept your criticism sincerely.

3. After professing his fault, you should encourage him and give him hope and confidence. For example, you could say to him “I think you are able to change” or “It is not like you to say ‘I cannot’” or “I trust in your will and I admire your personality”, etc.

4. You should not repeat criticisms on the same subject too often, because repetition causes obduracy and anger.

5. Sometimes it would be better to criticize indirectly such as, for example, by a hint, mentioning a tradition, mentioning a story that has something to do with the matter, or playing a cassette of a lecture discussing that specific problem.

6. Let your criticism be free of insult and mockery, because the goal is to reform and rescue and not to destroy or avenge.

7. You should ask him for his criticisms about you, and when he tells them, you should accept them and thank him. This will make it easier for him to accept your criticisms about him, for humbleness brings humbleness.

8. You should limit your criticism to the matter of the fault itself and not generalize it to other sides of your husband’s personality.

9. Your criticism against your husband should be done when you are alone with him and not in the presence of anyone else. It has been mentioned in one of the traditions that “he who advises his brother secretly does him good, and he who advises his brother openly does him wrong.”

Here, I have to mention an advice aimed at myself first and then to this husband and those like him. It is a saying by the greatest of the wise and the master of the pious, Imam Ali (a.s.): “He who advises you, fears for you, does good to you, thinks of your ends, and reforms your defects, in obeying him lies your guidance and in disobeying him lies your corruption.”

Imam Zaynul Aabideen (a.s.) said, ‘The right of the one who asks you for advice on you is that you have to give him sincere advice and be kind and pitiful to him. And the right of the advisor on you is that you have to be lenient with him and listen to him carefully…” .

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Question: I am a twenty-five year old girl. I have undergone an unsuccessful marriage that ended with divorce. My family prevents me from choosing my second marital life by myself. Legally, do they have the right to do that or am I free to choose my husband?

The answer: Legally, you are free to choose the husband whom you think will be suitable for you, but you would be better off, in order to live free from family troubles, to agree with your family in any way you find will have an influence on them.

Always decide to avoid what causes quarrels in your life, because a life full of quarrels and nervousness is nearer to death than to life.

Man lives happily with his family and relatives when he behaves with them leniently, smilingly, and wisely. It is wrong when man thinks of attaining happiness through violence, nervousness, enmity, and hatred. Those who think so are but moving corpses until a certain day.

Support for your situation in convincing your family of your free will in choosing is a saying of Imam as-Sadiq (a.s.). When he was asked a question similar to yours, he said, ‘She is worthier of herself. She can entrust a qualified one with her affairs if she likes after she has got married to a husband before.’

Imam ar-Ridha (a.s.) has said, ‘The permission of a virgin (concerning marriage) is her keeping silence and the permission of a widow or divorcee is up to her.’

And you should not forget that a family often prevents their daughter from choosing her husband by herself because they do not want her to be involved in another failure, for it is quite often that young girls and women are deceived by the nice words and shapes of men, and then when those men satisfy their desires with these women, they leave them to look for other victims. Therefore, Islam has emphasized the necessity of the interference of a father in the matter of marriage of a virgin because she has not had enough experience in this concern and she may be liable to be deceived more than divorcees or widows who have some experience in this matter.

Yes! There is a special exception that if a virgin is rational and prudent, and her father is ignorant and cannot decide for the advantage of his daughter, Islam permits her to choose a suitable husband by herself even if her father objects to her choice.

Ibn Abbas reports that one day a bondwoman came to the Prophet (S) and told him that her father had married her to somebody while she was unwilling and the Prophet (S) gave her the choice (either to accept her husband or to leave him).

Imam as-Sadiq (a.s.) said, ‘There is no problem in marrying a virgin if she agrees without her father’s permission72.’

In the light of this, our jurisprudents have given a fatwa that if a virgin’s guardian prevents her from getting married to a qualified man whom she wants, her guardian’s permission will be of no effect.

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Question: It has been mentioned in Prophetic traditions that marriage is half of religion and it protects men and women from slipping into sexual corruptions. However, in our present age, we find married men and married women practicing adultery as they like. Is this a defect in the tradition or what? What is strange is that some religious, married men are very lustful. How do you interpret this phenomenon?

The answer: There are several reasons behind this kind of corruption of married persons:

1. Sexual impotence of one of the spouses

2. Excessive lustfulness

3. Leisure, recklessness, and wealth

4. A wish for variety, discovering and tasting different kinds of things

5. A wish for revenge, where, for example, one of the spouses may practice adultery to take revenge on the other because of a quarrel between them or something like that

6. Poverty and need, i.e., a person may practice adultery to obtain some money

7. Dislike for the spouse because of unattractiveness or ignorance in practicing sexual intercourse

8. Seduction and slipping into adultery at a moment of neglect

What is common between these reasons is a weakness in faith or the absence of faith. Therefore, we always insist on strengthening religious motives in man and continuing to instruct, remind, and warn him.

As for the excessive lust of religious people, the matter is different, because a religious person, if he really is religious, can satisfy his sexual lust with his wife; otherwise, religion permits him to marry another wife either in permanent marriage or temporary marriage within the legal conditions of each type of marriage.

If we suppose the opposite that it is the wife who wants to satisfy her sexual lust but her husband is unable to satisfy her (and this is very rare among religious women or may be impossible), here, a religious wife should try to occupy herself with something else and soon her excitement will go out. However, if she cannot satisfy herself with this resolution forever, she has two choices: either to agree with her husband to separate and get married to another man who is able to satisfy her sexual lust, although it is not recommended, or to be patient and satisfied with her fate based on “the important thing and the Most Important,” and this is something praiseworthy.

It is thus if the lust is too strong and cannot be controlled except through these resolutions. But the advice that I would like to give to spouses in religious families is that they, in order to not fall into sins, should lower their sights before the provocations in the television, magazines, and streets and avoid heavy meals, which excite their lust.

Allah says, (Say to the believing men that they cast down their looks and guard their private parts; that is purer for them; surely Allah is Aware of what they do, and tell the believing women to lower their gaze and guard their private parts, and to display of their adornment only that which is apparent, and to draw their veils over their bosoms, and not to reveal their adornment save to their own husbands or fathers or husbands’ fathers, or their sons or their husbands’ sons, or their brothers or their brothers’ sons or sisters’ sons, or their women, or their slaves, or male attendants who lack vigor, or children who know naught of women’s nakedness. And let them not stamp their feet so as to reveal what they hide of their adornment. And turn unto Allah together, O believers, in order that you may succeed).

A religious man and a religious woman, even if they lower their gazes, may look at something unwillingly, and then their lust would become excited despite their wills. In this case, Islam has recommended the following:

‘If someone of you sees a beautiful woman and he admires her, let him go to sleep with his wife, because the pleasure is the same and what is got from sleeping with that woman is like what is got from sleeping with his wife.’

Islam has forbidden women and girls from displaying their charms even inside the house before their brothers, uncles, and even their fathers. Imam Ali (a.s.) narrates that one day a young man came to the Prophet (S) and asked him, ‘Should I ask my mother’s permission when I want to come in to her?’

The Prophet (S) said to him, ‘Do you want to see her without clothes?’

He said, ‘No, I do not.’

The Prophet (S) said, ‘Then, you should ask her permission.’

Then the young man asked, ‘Can my sister uncover her hair before me?’

The Prophet (S) said, ‘No, she cannot.’

The young man asked, ‘Why?’

The Prophet (S) said, ‘I fear for you that if she displays something of her charms before you, the Satan may provoke you.’

We understand from this story that the Prophet (S) has perceived the power of lust in this young man, as in any other young man, and recommended that before such persons, charms must be covered to avoid excitement and sin.

One who observes social cases, marital treasons, sins, files of the courts, and the news of the terrible events of sexual rapes, even against children, discovers how wide the gap is between Muslims and the warnings of the Qur’an and the Prophet (S). If they were closer to the Qur’an and the Sunna, they would not live in quarrels, corruption, and disgrace.

Dear young men and young women, do not follow the steps of the Satan, because they will lead you to his traps. Fear Allah secretly and openly, and let jealousy, abstinence, and wariness be your dress! Avoid scenes and situations that will incite your lusts to be safe from sins! Occupy yourselves with work, sport, and worships to be close to Allah, the Giver of happiness!

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Question: My daughter-in-law is one of the laziest people! She does not heed her responsibility as a human being let alone as a wife! Even after eating food, which others cook and serve before her hands, she leaves without even picking up the leftovers on the table or the plates she eats in. How strange this girl is! She lacks a conscience, or so I think. She sees how tired her mother-in-law is, but she does not help her. I kept silent and did not talk to my son about this matter until I became impatient. Instead of reforming herself and accepting the truth, she became angry and stopped talking to us. She has begun paying no attention to us. I wonder at these strange types of youth from this generation. What would you advise me and my daughter-in-law and those amongst your readers who are like her?

The answer: This girl and those like her are the results of bad education in the houses of their families. Bad cultures and some TV programs produce dependent and lazy people who do not feel any responsibility or any value of time and age. This is a general aspect of luxurious societies, which is not an aspect of good and faithful people.

True faith makes man active, generous, merry, loving, cordial, cooperative, and eager to do good whenever he can, and humanity makes man an attractive being with his behavior. If man loses these two elements, what value does he have then?

In Islam, we have moral incentives that make us hurry to serve people and carry out their needs.

Once, the Prophet (S) suggested to his companions to build a bridge over a river to help the weak people cross. Some companions said they would build the bridge the next day. When they came the next day, they found the bridge was already built. They went to the Prophet (S) to tell him that. The Prophet (S) asked who had built the bridge and some people replied, ‘O messenger of Allah, we went before them and built the bridge just for the reward of Allah.’

The Prophet (S) prayed to Allah for these companions for their actions and also for the other ones for their intention. Thus, faith led the believers to accomplish great achievements with which the Islamic civilization was formed. It is the civilization about which the scholars of the West and the East have said that it was the source of the modern sciences and the source of the positive aspects of the Western civilization.

This spirit that the great Prophet (S) had inspired into Muslims has died in most Muslims of nowadays. Some of them are lazy to such a degree that they are indifferent even to their personal affairs and what brings happiness to their marital life. However, this does not mean that it is not possible for that spirit to come back to them or for it to be revived in the souls again.

This is on the level of Islam, civilization, and life, but the same can also be said for individuals and their families.

As for the problem presented in the question, it can be treated through the following steps:

1. Attract this young wife by showing her more respect and encouragement so that she can undertake some responsibilities without becoming angry.

2. Give her some books that discuss concepts like cooperation, undertaking responsibilities, purposefulness, and the importance of winning the love of others in the family by performing domestic affairs.

3. Avoid forcing and scolding, whether implicitly or openly, for these things will lead her to resist.

4. Your son (her husband) should teach her the Islamic teachings concerning the moral sides, part of which is the wife’s work in the house such as cooking, cleaning, and other things; though they are not obligatory like prayers and fasting, this work nevertheless is a moral duty that has a direct influence on the happiness of the marital life. She should know that intentional cooperation increases love, which is the basis of the marital life.

As there are certain duties and responsibilities incumbent on the husband, there are certain duties and responsibilities incumbent on the wife too. Without mutual cooperation, their life will be full of troubles and then it may reach a painful end.

5. The husband should also help his wife by performing some household affairs whenever he has time and is ready, for he will be rewarded for that.

6. The household affairs can be forced onto this wife in a clever way. For example, those who usually perform the daily affairs in the house may travel and leave this wife in the house so that she would be obliged to work in the house. I hope that she will not be cleverer than you like a certain lazy wife whose husband and mother-in-law planned to involve her in the household responsibilities as follows:

The husband and his mother would compete for the broom; each of them would try to sweep so that the wife might feel shame and come take the broom from them and start sweeping herself. One day, she came to them and surprised them by saying to her husband coldly and with a soft voice: O dear, there is no need to dispute. One day you can sweep and the other day your mother can sweep.

After this witticism, I would like to recommend this dear wife and those like her of some things that have advantages and rewards for them:

1. Work has a virtuous value that raises man to a high position and makes him respected and beloved.

2. He who exerts himself becomes healthy, while the lazy ones are often sick. Work activates the circulation of blood, joints, and muscles while laziness does the opposite.

3. Willpower is a power that works miracles. It must be used in constructive ways.

4. Humbleness is a quality of those who sit on the top of the good life, so wherefore is this haughtiness, which throws man into the abyss of meanness?

5. Man must have practical experiences in his life. In life, there are many sudden events that a woman may fall into, and then she can rescue herself based on her knowledge from previous experiences.

6. In order for the difficulty of the household affairs to become easy for you and in order to get rid of your laziness, you should think of the rewards of the afterlife. The infallible Imams of the Ahlul Bayt (a.s.) have narrated, ‘When a woman gives her husband a drink of water, it is better for her than the worships of a year spent in fasting during the day and praying in the night. For every drink she gives to her husband, Allah will build her a town in Paradise and forgive her sixty sins.’

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Question: My friend is a shopkeeper. He said that there is a married woman often tried to seduce him. Many times he chided her but with no use. One day, she came to his shop and insisted for him to commit adultery with her, justifying that her husband paid no attention to her emotional needs. Would you please talk about these dangerous corruptions and how to treat their causes?

The answer: The Prophet (S) said, ‘The wrath of Allah is so great on a married woman who fills her eyes with other than her husband or one of her mahrams. If she does so, Allah will nullify all her deeds, and if she sleeps with other than her husband on her bed, Allah will definitely burn her in Fire after torturing her in the grave.

Dear brother, what is important is that your friend should overcome his desires and not fall into the trap of this adulteress, for then he would throw himself with her into the fire of Hell.

I would like to say to your friend and those like him what Imam as-Sadiq (a.s.) said, ‘Be abstinent from the women of people, and your women will be abstinent!

Does his conscience accept that the honor of the women of his family should be violated? If his answer is “NO”, let him beware of opening a way for his own honor to be violated.

This tested man and that enticing woman should ponder deeply on the sayings of the Prophet (S) narrated by Imam as-Sadiq (a.s.), ‘You have to be abstinent and avoid adultery’ and by Imam al-Baqir (a.s.), ‘There is no worship better near Allah than the abstinence of the abdomen (not to eat any unlawful thing) and genitals.

Let them, also, ponder on the great reward of the martyr who struggles for the sake of Allah! It is less than the reward of one who is able to commit adultery but he abstains and forbears. We have been informed of such by Imam Ali (a.s.) who added, ‘An abstinent is about to be as one of the angels.

Imam Ali (a.s.) also said, ‘Satisfaction and suppressing the lust are the best of abstinence.

He said to Muhammad bin Abu Bakr when he appointed him as the wali of Egypt, ‘Know that the best of abstinence is piety in the religion of Allah and doing according to His orders. I recommend you of fearing Allah in secrecy and in openness…’

Dear young man, you should resist and not permit yourself to commit adultery because it is one of the major sins. Remember, when the Satan invites you towards adultery, Allah sees you as do your great Prophet (S) and infallible Imams (a.s.), who know your secrets every Thursday by the will of Allah, Who knows every secret

You should remember that sin has destructive effects and bad consequences that disgrace man in this life and bring him distresses and griefs.

Imam Ali (a.s.) said, ‘He who hastens towards lusts, hastens towards plagues.’

He also said, ‘Whoever enjoys himself by disobeying Allah, Allah afflicts him with meanness.’

Imam al-Baqir (a.s.) said, ‘No disaster afflicts man except after a sin…’

Imam as-Sadiq (a.s.) said, ‘Allah the Almighty says: when he, who knows Me, disobeys Me, I will set up one, who does not know Me, over him.

This is in this life, but as for the afterlife, the Prophet (S) said, ‘He who shakes hands with a woman who is unlawful (non-mahram) for him will be afflicted with the wrath of Allah, and he who sleeps with a woman who is unlawful for him will be tied by a chain of fire with the Satan and they both will be thrown into Fire.’

I would like to draw the attentions of the husbands who are indifferent to the sexual rights of their wives and also the husbands who are lenient towards their wives in allowing them to watch erotic films or in letting them go out without surveillance that they are partners in the crime of adultery their wives commit.

Imam as-Sadiq (a.s.) said, ‘Allah has given woman patience of ten men, but if she is excited, the power of her lust becomes as of ten men.’

The Prophet (S) ordered husbands by saying, ‘Wash your clothes, cut your hairs, use miswak (tooth cleanser – i.e. brush your teeth), clean your bodies, and adorn yourselves! The Israelites did not do that; therefore, their women committed adultery.’

Adultery is not just a moment of pleasure which ends with the act; rather, hundreds of problems come after it such as sudden death, which is the worst of them, illegitimate children, who form a main cause of crime in societies, and so on.

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