Archive for category: Relations Between Couples

Question: My daughter-in-law is one of the laziest people! She does not heed her responsibility as a human being let alone as a wife! Even after eating food, which others cook and serve before her hands, she leaves without even picking up the leftovers on the table or the plates she eats in. How strange this girl is! She lacks a conscience, or so I think. She sees how tired her mother-in-law is, but she does not help her. I kept silent and did not talk to my son about this matter until I became impatient. Instead of reforming herself and accepting the truth, she became angry and stopped talking to us. She has begun paying no attention to us. I wonder at these strange types of youth from this generation. What would you advise me and my daughter-in-law and those amongst your readers who are like her?

The answer: This girl and those like her are the results of bad education in the houses of their families. Bad cultures and some TV programs produce dependent and lazy people who do not feel any responsibility or any value of time and age. This is a general aspect of luxurious societies, which is not an aspect of good and faithful people.

True faith makes man active, generous, merry, loving, cordial, cooperative, and eager to do good whenever he can, and humanity makes man an attractive being with his behavior. If man loses these two elements, what value does he have then?

In Islam, we have moral incentives that make us hurry to serve people and carry out their needs.

Once, the Prophet (S) suggested to his companions to build a bridge over a river to help the weak people cross. Some companions said they would build the bridge the next day. When they came the next day, they found the bridge was already built. They went to the Prophet (S) to tell him that. The Prophet (S) asked who had built the bridge and some people replied, ‘O messenger of Allah, we went before them and built the bridge just for the reward of Allah.’

The Prophet (S) prayed to Allah for these companions for their actions and also for the other ones for their intention. Thus, faith led the believers to accomplish great achievements with which the Islamic civilization was formed. It is the civilization about which the scholars of the West and the East have said that it was the source of the modern sciences and the source of the positive aspects of the Western civilization.

This spirit that the great Prophet (S) had inspired into Muslims has died in most Muslims of nowadays. Some of them are lazy to such a degree that they are indifferent even to their personal affairs and what brings happiness to their marital life. However, this does not mean that it is not possible for that spirit to come back to them or for it to be revived in the souls again.

This is on the level of Islam, civilization, and life, but the same can also be said for individuals and their families.

As for the problem presented in the question, it can be treated through the following steps:

1. Attract this young wife by showing her more respect and encouragement so that she can undertake some responsibilities without becoming angry.

2. Give her some books that discuss concepts like cooperation, undertaking responsibilities, purposefulness, and the importance of winning the love of others in the family by performing domestic affairs.

3. Avoid forcing and scolding, whether implicitly or openly, for these things will lead her to resist.

4. Your son (her husband) should teach her the Islamic teachings concerning the moral sides, part of which is the wife’s work in the house such as cooking, cleaning, and other things; though they are not obligatory like prayers and fasting, this work nevertheless is a moral duty that has a direct influence on the happiness of the marital life. She should know that intentional cooperation increases love, which is the basis of the marital life.

As there are certain duties and responsibilities incumbent on the husband, there are certain duties and responsibilities incumbent on the wife too. Without mutual cooperation, their life will be full of troubles and then it may reach a painful end.

5. The husband should also help his wife by performing some household affairs whenever he has time and is ready, for he will be rewarded for that.

6. The household affairs can be forced onto this wife in a clever way. For example, those who usually perform the daily affairs in the house may travel and leave this wife in the house so that she would be obliged to work in the house. I hope that she will not be cleverer than you like a certain lazy wife whose husband and mother-in-law planned to involve her in the household responsibilities as follows:

The husband and his mother would compete for the broom; each of them would try to sweep so that the wife might feel shame and come take the broom from them and start sweeping herself. One day, she came to them and surprised them by saying to her husband coldly and with a soft voice: O dear, there is no need to dispute. One day you can sweep and the other day your mother can sweep.

After this witticism, I would like to recommend this dear wife and those like her of some things that have advantages and rewards for them:

1. Work has a virtuous value that raises man to a high position and makes him respected and beloved.

2. He who exerts himself becomes healthy, while the lazy ones are often sick. Work activates the circulation of blood, joints, and muscles while laziness does the opposite.

3. Willpower is a power that works miracles. It must be used in constructive ways.

4. Humbleness is a quality of those who sit on the top of the good life, so wherefore is this haughtiness, which throws man into the abyss of meanness?

5. Man must have practical experiences in his life. In life, there are many sudden events that a woman may fall into, and then she can rescue herself based on her knowledge from previous experiences.

6. In order for the difficulty of the household affairs to become easy for you and in order to get rid of your laziness, you should think of the rewards of the afterlife. The infallible Imams of the Ahlul Bayt (a.s.) have narrated, ‘When a woman gives her husband a drink of water, it is better for her than the worships of a year spent in fasting during the day and praying in the night. For every drink she gives to her husband, Allah will build her a town in Paradise and forgive her sixty sins.’

FOR A BETTER FUTURE

Question: My friend is a shopkeeper. He said that there is a married woman often tried to seduce him. Many times he chided her but with no use. One day, she came to his shop and insisted for him to commit adultery with her, justifying that her husband paid no attention to her emotional needs. Would you please talk about these dangerous corruptions and how to treat their causes?

The answer: The Prophet (S) said, ‘The wrath of Allah is so great on a married woman who fills her eyes with other than her husband or one of her mahrams. If she does so, Allah will nullify all her deeds, and if she sleeps with other than her husband on her bed, Allah will definitely burn her in Fire after torturing her in the grave.

Dear brother, what is important is that your friend should overcome his desires and not fall into the trap of this adulteress, for then he would throw himself with her into the fire of Hell.

I would like to say to your friend and those like him what Imam as-Sadiq (a.s.) said, ‘Be abstinent from the women of people, and your women will be abstinent!

Does his conscience accept that the honor of the women of his family should be violated? If his answer is “NO”, let him beware of opening a way for his own honor to be violated.

This tested man and that enticing woman should ponder deeply on the sayings of the Prophet (S) narrated by Imam as-Sadiq (a.s.), ‘You have to be abstinent and avoid adultery’ and by Imam al-Baqir (a.s.), ‘There is no worship better near Allah than the abstinence of the abdomen (not to eat any unlawful thing) and genitals.

Let them, also, ponder on the great reward of the martyr who struggles for the sake of Allah! It is less than the reward of one who is able to commit adultery but he abstains and forbears. We have been informed of such by Imam Ali (a.s.) who added, ‘An abstinent is about to be as one of the angels.

Imam Ali (a.s.) also said, ‘Satisfaction and suppressing the lust are the best of abstinence.

He said to Muhammad bin Abu Bakr when he appointed him as the wali of Egypt, ‘Know that the best of abstinence is piety in the religion of Allah and doing according to His orders. I recommend you of fearing Allah in secrecy and in openness…’

Dear young man, you should resist and not permit yourself to commit adultery because it is one of the major sins. Remember, when the Satan invites you towards adultery, Allah sees you as do your great Prophet (S) and infallible Imams (a.s.), who know your secrets every Thursday by the will of Allah, Who knows every secret

You should remember that sin has destructive effects and bad consequences that disgrace man in this life and bring him distresses and griefs.

Imam Ali (a.s.) said, ‘He who hastens towards lusts, hastens towards plagues.’

He also said, ‘Whoever enjoys himself by disobeying Allah, Allah afflicts him with meanness.’

Imam al-Baqir (a.s.) said, ‘No disaster afflicts man except after a sin…’

Imam as-Sadiq (a.s.) said, ‘Allah the Almighty says: when he, who knows Me, disobeys Me, I will set up one, who does not know Me, over him.

This is in this life, but as for the afterlife, the Prophet (S) said, ‘He who shakes hands with a woman who is unlawful (non-mahram) for him will be afflicted with the wrath of Allah, and he who sleeps with a woman who is unlawful for him will be tied by a chain of fire with the Satan and they both will be thrown into Fire.’

I would like to draw the attentions of the husbands who are indifferent to the sexual rights of their wives and also the husbands who are lenient towards their wives in allowing them to watch erotic films or in letting them go out without surveillance that they are partners in the crime of adultery their wives commit.

Imam as-Sadiq (a.s.) said, ‘Allah has given woman patience of ten men, but if she is excited, the power of her lust becomes as of ten men.’

The Prophet (S) ordered husbands by saying, ‘Wash your clothes, cut your hairs, use miswak (tooth cleanser – i.e. brush your teeth), clean your bodies, and adorn yourselves! The Israelites did not do that; therefore, their women committed adultery.’

Adultery is not just a moment of pleasure which ends with the act; rather, hundreds of problems come after it such as sudden death, which is the worst of them, illegitimate children, who form a main cause of crime in societies, and so on.

 FOR A BETTER FUTURE

Question: I often become so angry that I burst out against whoever and whatever is around me. I confess that I am not happy with myself when I am angry with my wife, my children, or others, but I do not know how to treat this psychological disease!

The answer: Dear brother, be sure that anger harms your health because you burn with it your physical powers and the cells of your brain and heart. You may also, because of anger, lose your family and job. Remember that most of the dead in our present time have died because of apoplexy after a case of anger and nervousness.

If you believe in this information, be sure that your case is curable and the key to the cure is in your willpower, which may be difficult to control in the beginning, but later on it will grow stronger until you will find it easy to control your anger and change your behavior.

Here are some points to help you cure yourself inshallah:

1. When angry, try to orient your thinking and senses to something besides the subject that provokes your anger!

2. Leave the place you are in when you become angry and walk to another, and do not come back to it except after forgetting the situation or when your anger disappears!

3. Assign an hour or half an hour every day for practicing exercises, swimming, or breathing deeply! It would be better for you to practice such exercises at the seashore.

4. Teach yourself to be merry through smiling, joking, and mentioning pleasant events and comments within the limits of politeness and honesty! In other words, be good-humored, lovely, and attractive!

5. Trust in the abilities of others, and do not think that they cannot achieve something!

6. Choose some wise person with whom to discuss your sufferings, entrust him with your secrets, and consult him regarding your affairs!

7. Always perform wudu’ and mention Allah with your tongue and heart and remember that you are under His accurate watch!

FOR A BETTER FUTURE

Question: My husband has a weak and infirm personality. He does not manage the household affairs. He neither enjoins nor does he forbid the children. He pays no attention to their school education. How should I behave towards him in order to make him act according to his suitable position?

The answer: This is the negative side of your husband’s personality, but surely he has some positive qualities too. Try to regard these qualities as well. But as for the negative side:

First, entrust him with some tasks even if he hesitates or refuses to do them!

Second, try to give him self-confidence. For example, you can say to him: I am sure you can do this work.

Third, declare to him that you want him to be with a strong personality, and tell him that this is the wish of your children as well. Tell him that the responsibilities in marital life are common and divided according to Islamic teachings and the human nature!

Fourth, plan with your children to ask their father to interfere in their affairs and to discuss with them different issues. In other words, he should be involved in the family affairs in every way.

Fifth, if he does not change after these steps, you have to adapt yourself to his state and convince yourself that it is a good state, for every person has his own independent personality and private mentality.

FOR A BETTER FUTURE

Question: My husband always repeats, ‘I am unable to manage the house and to educate the children. Do whatever you want and do not depend on me!’ This is not right, but I do not know how to correct his thinking.

The answer: It is very odd that the master of the family would declare his inability to manage his house, which he himself has established, or to educate one, two, or three children, whereas we find the heads of companies, foundations, and governments managing, in addition to their families, tens, hundreds, thousands, and millions of people.

What is the reason behind this difference?

The reason lies in the following points, which are absent from an incapable person’s mind and present before the mind of a successful manager:

· First point: methodology

By this we mean recognizing the goals of marriage, procreation, and forming a family, on which basis the master of the family plans for the future of his children – the future, which stems from him first and foremost. Does man, when he invites some guests, not think of the aim of his invitation and then plan how and what foods he will offer appropriate to their ranks and positions? In the same way, concerning his family and children, he should specify aims and then think and plan accordingly to execute them.

· Second point: organizing

It means distributing the domestic duties in such a way that each member of the house knows his duty and also to ensure that the greater part of the duties will not fall on the shoulder of any one person while the others live without offering any help or feeling any responsibility.

The master of the family is the one who divides the household duties amongst the members of his family according to their ages and abilities; for example, one for sweeping, the other for cooking, the third for shopping, and so on. Allah says, (…and help one another in goodness and piety).

· Third point: coordination

Parents must agree on and settle many things between themselves so that each of them knows his duties, such as buying the school supplies of their children for example. If there is no prior arrangement between the parents, the father may buy the supplies and the mother may also buy them at the same time, or neither will buy them, and thus the affairs of the children may become troubled at school.

Coordination, which is a part of organization, prevents the waste of time, abilities, and efforts and the confusion of the family members through different instructions in the house. Have you not seen Allah with your mind and heart through His great organization of the creatures and the coordination among them with the utmost accuracy? If it were not so, all life would be in tumult.

Fourth point: leadership

The master of the family, and especially the father, should touch the hearts of the members of his family through love to attract them towards his educational instructions, and this is one of the qualities of an understanding leader. It is a stage higher than household management. A successful leader is one who does not make others submit to his will by force, but he instead uses wisdom and prudence to convince them to submit. The leader who uses severity and violence will certainly produce severe, impolite, mutinous, and wicked offspring with weak personalities.

We do not deny the importance of using strictness and firmness in some occasions. A wise leader is aware of those occasions, and he knows how and when he should become strict and firm without making others feel that he has a power over them that may deprive them of their freedom and also without making them feel that responsible supervision is of no importance. Leadership is the art of mixing many items, the most important of which are knowledge, wisdom, tact, and good practice.

· Fifth point: knowledge

The master of the family should know the actual value of these points in correlation to what Islam has legislated in its view towards the universe, life, man, and their legislative and moral concerns.

Finally, this husband should strengthen his morale by relying on Allah the Almighty. The nearest one who can help him in this matter is you, O wife. You can inspire in him the spirit of responsibility. You can encourage and praise him whenever he carries out something. You can tell him that the greatness of the famous personalities in history came about because they did not think of the difficulties in their achievements, but they instead thought of the great achievements they would get.

FOR A BETTER FUTURE