My husband does not appreciate or help me in the excessive work I have to do to care for our home and seven children and this has caused me physical problems; what should I do?

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Question: I am a mother of seven children. I suffer from physical troubles because I do too much work in the house that is beyond my ability. My husband is a hard-hearted man who does not appreciate my efforts and this increases my exhaustion. Would you please tell me what to do?

The answer: Distributing tasks in the marital life should be done fairly and consensually. If you have children, they should be entrusted with some tasks according to their ages and abilities while instilling sincere motives inside them to do those tasks willingly and with interest.

This is what should be done, but when the opposite takes place, it means that there is a defect in someone’s mentality and this defect can be cured by a sound mentality.

Dear sister, what you suffer can be cured by patience while expecting your reward from Allah and showing love and respect towards your husband so that he may someday awake out of his severity towards you. Besides these steps, you should encourage him to attend the meetings of good Ulama’ and scholars and listen to the speeches of good preachers so that he may be affected by a word from those Ulama’and preachers and then he may be rescued from his injustice, for the true religion has brought man solutions to all problems if he believes in religion.

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My husband and I are very poorly matched and have almost nothing in common and I am much more educated than he is; should we get divorced?

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Question: I am overcome with despair for my marital life to proceed happily. This is because, as I think, of the difference between my husband and me in intellect, culture, and understanding affairs of living. I am a university ­graduate while he has not even finished elementary school. I have a scientific position while he is weak and he stammers when he wants to show what he intends to say. Therefore, I feel that we do not understand each other. Do you think that divorce will guarantee happiness for both of us?

The answer: Dear sister, there are three choices before you:

The first: you may choose to be satisfied with the situation you are in and to not compare your life with the lives of others. This requires you, first, to not think of others besides your husband, and second, you should try your best to make him understand what you understand. You should be aware that the basis of success in this life is sincerity in love and looking forward to the reward of Allah and the good end of patience.

The second: you may continue feeling dissatisfied and continue worrying about your life and relationship, which definitely means eliminating marital happiness.

The third, you may choose divorce, which is lawful but Allah hates it and His Throne shakes for it except when the joint life of spouses reaches a dead end.

If you ask me, I will not hesitate to advise you to follow the first way. Mutual understanding most of the time means submitting to the lawful wish of the husband and neglecting your personal wishes, but with making him feel that this is only for the love of Allah and for the continuity of a happy marital life.

Beware of being proud of the elements of preference you have, such as a university diploma and the like, because this is a way leading to a bad end and is a defect that does not befit a learned Muslim girl. Your intellect requires you to know that happiness is gained through morals and faith while university diplomas and scientific information alone do not produce happiness and ease.

Dear sister, I hope that you pay attention to this fact before you are filled with regret. This is my opinion if the reason for your despair is as you have mentioned. However, if your husband is in a state that makes him unsuccessful and unfit for you, the solution will be to follow the third way. May Allah be with you!

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My husband does not communicate with me and I sometimes doubt his feelings for me; what can I do?

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Question: I have been married for six years now to a husband who speaks little with me. He always keeps silent. Would you please tell me how I can bring happiness to my marital life with this silent husband, though he provides me with all I need for living? Sometimes the Satan whispers to me that my husband hates me. Am I normal?

The answer: As spouses have to follow an appropriate program to run the economical affairs of their joint life, they also have to follow an appropriate program to achieve the most balanced sentiment possible, because when love becomes firm between a husband and a wife, it gives them tranquility, liveliness, and interest in their shared fate, and then little talking between them does not affect their life.

Dear sister, what is important is that you have to do your best to strengthen the love and the feeling of interest in your mutual fate with your husband. Do not let your husband’s silence deprive you of his love to you, because when love dries up, the train of your life will enter into a tunnel of problems that will lead to a bad end. I think that talking little is not an excuse for you to throw your life into dangerous problems.

Your behaving lovingly towards him will defeat his hatred for you, if he has any hatred towards you. In fact, not every silence of a husband means that there is a hatred towards the wife. It may be a habit in the husband since his childhood. However, if it is a new habit, you can talk to him about it openly. Perhaps he may have suffered a psychological shock, and this can be cured by your wisdom or that of other wise people or specialists.

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How can I handle the issue of a wife whose temperament I do not like?

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My wife is often nervous and angry. She scolds my children for anything they do that she does not like. I fear for their education and future if she continues in this state. In fact, I fear for my sincerity to her and the remaining of my life with her. What would you advise me to do?

The answer: Anger, as stated in the traditions, is a soldier of the Satan and a flame of Fire like any other destructive means. If your wife continues in her state and you also lose your patience, you both will in fact arrive at the end that you fear, and the first losers will be your children except if the stepmother will act towards them as a sincere and real mother, and such stepmothers are few.

Hence, I advise this wife to be prudent and patient and I advise you also to be more patient and to give her enough opportunities to ponder on the outcome of anger, which has destructive results in the family. You also have to think about the outcome of your patience because a day will come where your wife will awake out of her errors, and then she will appreciate your patience and compensate you for your previous days with her. And a day will come to you when you will find your great reward near Allah, and then your eyes will be delighted on (the day when wealth and sons avail not (any) man, except him who comes to Allah with a heart free (from evil)). You must try to identify the reasons for her anger and when you are able to remove the causes of her anger, you will be happy with her. You have to be patient with her, advise her, and pray to Allah for her.

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How can a wife advise a husband without upsetting him and harming the family structure?

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Question: My husband has good characteristics, but nevertheless he also has some extreme bad conducts. I do not know how to advise him without causing his anger against me and throwing my marital life into troubles.

The answer: Dear sister, criticizing and advising are like surgical operations but are not conducted on the body; rather, they are done on the spirit and the soul. Therefore it is a very difficult operation requiring accuracy besides the following points:

1. Criticism must be preceded by love and a close relationship on both sides because without these, criticism becomes more a cause of disagreement and reluctance between spouses.

2. You should begin your talk with him by praising his good characteristics and then proceed little by little to criticize his bad behaviors. Praising him will make him trust in your love for him and will strengthen his morale, and then you will find he will accept your criticism sincerely.

3. After professing his fault, you should encourage him and give him hope and confidence. For example, you could say to him “I think you are able to change” or “It is not like you to say ‘I cannot’” or “I trust in your will and I admire your personality”, etc.

4. You should not repeat criticisms on the same subject too often, because repetition causes obduracy and anger.

5. Sometimes it would be better to criticize indirectly such as, for example, by a hint, mentioning a tradition, mentioning a story that has something to do with the matter, or playing a cassette of a lecture discussing that specific problem.

6. Let your criticism be free of insult and mockery, because the goal is to reform and rescue and not to destroy or avenge.

7. You should ask him for his criticisms about you, and when he tells them, you should accept them and thank him. This will make it easier for him to accept your criticisms about him, for humbleness brings humbleness.

8. You should limit your criticism to the matter of the fault itself and not generalize it to other sides of your husband’s personality.

9. Your criticism against your husband should be done when you are alone with him and not in the presence of anyone else. It has been mentioned in one of the traditions that “he who advises his brother secretly does him good, and he who advises his brother openly does him wrong.”

Here, I have to mention an advice aimed at myself first and then to this husband and those like him. It is a saying by the greatest of the wise and the master of the pious, Imam Ali (a.s.): “He who advises you, fears for you, does good to you, thinks of your ends, and reforms your defects, in obeying him lies your guidance and in disobeying him lies your corruption.”

Imam Zaynul Aabideen (a.s.) said, ‘The right of the one who asks you for advice on you is that you have to give him sincere advice and be kind and pitiful to him. And the right of the advisor on you is that you have to be lenient with him and listen to him carefully…” .

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How should wedding ceremonies be conducted?

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Question: We have seen and heard about many accidents that have happened during wedding ceremonies and changed them into ceremonies of sorrows. Would you please guide us as to how we can avoid such bad accidents in order to make the ceremonies of joy the best moments in the lives of spouses?

The answer: The ceremonies of marriage, especially those which take place during the night of wedding, are based on joyous traditions that leave sweet memories in man’s life. Therefore, spouses care a lot for these ceremonies. They take pictures to remain with them until the last days of their lives and to remind them of those special hours, which are different from any other hours of their life.

How nice are those moments and especially the influence left in spouses’ hearts by the words of this supplication, which is read by the marriage official in the midst of the songs of the relatives who gather around the bride and bridegroom:

“O Allah, bless their marriage, unite their hearts, make their offspring good and their life happy, send Your blessings on us and them! O Allah, support whoever supports Your religion and disappoint whoever disappoints the Muslims! O Allah, make them (these spouses) among those who support Your religion and the people of Your religion and make them successful in receiving Your contentment! O Allah, satisfy our and their needs in this life and the afterlife by virtue of Muhammad and the pure progeny of Muhammad!”

Such a beautiful scene from amongst all the scenes of life deserves the best efforts and cooperation of relatives so that these ceremonies are carried out with joy and delight in the best way. However, unfortunately, in some of these weddings, quarrels take place by some irresponsible persons that do away with the joy of the young spouses who will not experience this occasion again with the same pleasure.

Such quarrels take place due to ignorance, bad education, whims, drunkenness, mixing of sexes which provokes lusts, and making passes on others that leads to disputes and suspicions, and consequently many troubles are caused.

Blessings and happiness do not come to marriages that begin with unlawful acts or encourage opportunities to commit unlawful acts. Handicaps in newborn children and disagreements that lead to divorce or griefs and distresses are the results of such unlawful actions during weddings. Exciting songs, transparent clothes that display women’s charms, bare faces with flagrant makeup before non-mahram men…all of these will extinguish the marital happiness sooner or later. Let people not think that it is harmless to celebrate the joys of a night or two in one year! Everything has its enduring effects, and how often it is that a simple matter troubles the situation and frustrates a marriage whereas its beginning was simple and trivial.

Hence, since religion and its moral teachings are very important, we continuously insist on and invite all classes of society to revive themselves in a modern and attractive way and in a language that is understandable by the youth.

Besides all that, the wedding ceremonies should be carried out accurately. Supplications and charity to the poor should not be ignored because they ward off misfortunes.

FOR A BETTER FUTURE

If I have divorced, can my family prevent me from choosing a second spouse by myself?

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Question: I am a twenty-five year old girl. I have undergone an unsuccessful marriage that ended with divorce. My family prevents me from choosing my second marital life by myself. Legally, do they have the right to do that or am I free to choose my husband?

The answer: Legally, you are free to choose the husband whom you think will be suitable for you, but you would be better off, in order to live free from family troubles, to agree with your family in any way you find will have an influence on them.

Always decide to avoid what causes quarrels in your life, because a life full of quarrels and nervousness is nearer to death than to life.

Man lives happily with his family and relatives when he behaves with them leniently, smilingly, and wisely. It is wrong when man thinks of attaining happiness through violence, nervousness, enmity, and hatred. Those who think so are but moving corpses until a certain day.

Support for your situation in convincing your family of your free will in choosing is a saying of Imam as-Sadiq (a.s.). When he was asked a question similar to yours, he said, ‘She is worthier of herself. She can entrust a qualified one with her affairs if she likes after she has got married to a husband before.’

Imam ar-Ridha (a.s.) has said, ‘The permission of a virgin (concerning marriage) is her keeping silence and the permission of a widow or divorcee is up to her.’

And you should not forget that a family often prevents their daughter from choosing her husband by herself because they do not want her to be involved in another failure, for it is quite often that young girls and women are deceived by the nice words and shapes of men, and then when those men satisfy their desires with these women, they leave them to look for other victims. Therefore, Islam has emphasized the necessity of the interference of a father in the matter of marriage of a virgin because she has not had enough experience in this concern and she may be liable to be deceived more than divorcees or widows who have some experience in this matter.

Yes! There is a special exception that if a virgin is rational and prudent, and her father is ignorant and cannot decide for the advantage of his daughter, Islam permits her to choose a suitable husband by herself even if her father objects to her choice.

Ibn Abbas reports that one day a bondwoman came to the Prophet (S) and told him that her father had married her to somebody while she was unwilling and the Prophet (S) gave her the choice (either to accept her husband or to leave him).

Imam as-Sadiq (a.s.) said, ‘There is no problem in marrying a virgin if she agrees without her father’s permission72.’

In the light of this, our jurisprudents have given a fatwa that if a virgin’s guardian prevents her from getting married to a qualified man whom she wants, her guardian’s permission will be of no effect.

FOR A BETTER FUTURE

Is it better for a man to propose to a woman or for a woman to propose to a man?

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Question: It is customary that young men go and propose to young women. It is considered ugly among people when young women go and propose to young men, whereas we find the Qur’an saying, (…and a believing woman if she gave herself to the Prophet, if the Prophet desired to marry her- specially for you, not for the (rest of) believers).(33:50) My question is: which is right – what the Muslims did at the time of the Prophet (S) or what is customary in our present age?

The answer: Customs, sometimes, control the affairs of people while people have no choice in it. The position of Islam in this concern is that the more important thing has to be preferred to the important thing while preserving the benefits of people and moving gradually towards the teachings Islam has established.

Yes! This Qur’anic verse is clear in this concern. Imam al-Baqir (a.s.) narrates that once a woman from Medina came to the Prophet (S) and said, ‘O messenger of Allah, a woman does not go to engage a husband. I have been a widow for a long time and I have no child. Do you want me (to be your wife)? I have given myself to you if you accept me…’ .

This woman came to the Prophet (S) by herself and asked him to marry her, and the Prophet (S) neither chided her nor disapproved of her doing so. This means that this matter was natural in Islam. Besides, the Qur’an has mentioned this matter without any implication of ugliness. Khadeeja (a.s.) herself asked the Prophet (S) to marry her, and she was the head lady of her time.

A proposal made by a virgin or a widow is not prohibited in the Sharia, but customs have their respected position if they do not oppose the Islamic values. In fact, in our present time, there does not have to be a contradiction between customs and the wishes of a girl when she finds a suitable husband. The potential husband can be informed secretly of the wish of the girl. If he accepts, he can go and propose to the girl according to customs; otherwise, he should bury the matter and keep the secret forever. This is a trust and a traitor will be answerable on the Day of Resurrection. In this way, as I think, the two manners can be practiced together.

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Why do we find prevalence of sexual corruptions even among married people and otherwise religious people?

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Question: It has been mentioned in Prophetic traditions that marriage is half of religion and it protects men and women from slipping into sexual corruptions. However, in our present age, we find married men and married women practicing adultery as they like. Is this a defect in the tradition or what? What is strange is that some religious, married men are very lustful. How do you interpret this phenomenon?

The answer: There are several reasons behind this kind of corruption of married persons:

1. Sexual impotence of one of the spouses

2. Excessive lustfulness

3. Leisure, recklessness, and wealth

4. A wish for variety, discovering and tasting different kinds of things

5. A wish for revenge, where, for example, one of the spouses may practice adultery to take revenge on the other because of a quarrel between them or something like that

6. Poverty and need, i.e., a person may practice adultery to obtain some money

7. Dislike for the spouse because of unattractiveness or ignorance in practicing sexual intercourse

8. Seduction and slipping into adultery at a moment of neglect

What is common between these reasons is a weakness in faith or the absence of faith. Therefore, we always insist on strengthening religious motives in man and continuing to instruct, remind, and warn him.

As for the excessive lust of religious people, the matter is different, because a religious person, if he really is religious, can satisfy his sexual lust with his wife; otherwise, religion permits him to marry another wife either in permanent marriage or temporary marriage within the legal conditions of each type of marriage.

If we suppose the opposite that it is the wife who wants to satisfy her sexual lust but her husband is unable to satisfy her (and this is very rare among religious women or may be impossible), here, a religious wife should try to occupy herself with something else and soon her excitement will go out. However, if she cannot satisfy herself with this resolution forever, she has two choices: either to agree with her husband to separate and get married to another man who is able to satisfy her sexual lust, although it is not recommended, or to be patient and satisfied with her fate based on “the important thing and the Most Important,” and this is something praiseworthy.

It is thus if the lust is too strong and cannot be controlled except through these resolutions. But the advice that I would like to give to spouses in religious families is that they, in order to not fall into sins, should lower their sights before the provocations in the television, magazines, and streets and avoid heavy meals, which excite their lust.

Allah says, (Say to the believing men that they cast down their looks and guard their private parts; that is purer for them; surely Allah is Aware of what they do, and tell the believing women to lower their gaze and guard their private parts, and to display of their adornment only that which is apparent, and to draw their veils over their bosoms, and not to reveal their adornment save to their own husbands or fathers or husbands’ fathers, or their sons or their husbands’ sons, or their brothers or their brothers’ sons or sisters’ sons, or their women, or their slaves, or male attendants who lack vigor, or children who know naught of women’s nakedness. And let them not stamp their feet so as to reveal what they hide of their adornment. And turn unto Allah together, O believers, in order that you may succeed).

A religious man and a religious woman, even if they lower their gazes, may look at something unwillingly, and then their lust would become excited despite their wills. In this case, Islam has recommended the following:

‘If someone of you sees a beautiful woman and he admires her, let him go to sleep with his wife, because the pleasure is the same and what is got from sleeping with that woman is like what is got from sleeping with his wife.’

Islam has forbidden women and girls from displaying their charms even inside the house before their brothers, uncles, and even their fathers. Imam Ali (a.s.) narrates that one day a young man came to the Prophet (S) and asked him, ‘Should I ask my mother’s permission when I want to come in to her?’

The Prophet (S) said to him, ‘Do you want to see her without clothes?’

He said, ‘No, I do not.’

The Prophet (S) said, ‘Then, you should ask her permission.’

Then the young man asked, ‘Can my sister uncover her hair before me?’

The Prophet (S) said, ‘No, she cannot.’

The young man asked, ‘Why?’

The Prophet (S) said, ‘I fear for you that if she displays something of her charms before you, the Satan may provoke you.’

We understand from this story that the Prophet (S) has perceived the power of lust in this young man, as in any other young man, and recommended that before such persons, charms must be covered to avoid excitement and sin.

One who observes social cases, marital treasons, sins, files of the courts, and the news of the terrible events of sexual rapes, even against children, discovers how wide the gap is between Muslims and the warnings of the Qur’an and the Prophet (S). If they were closer to the Qur’an and the Sunna, they would not live in quarrels, corruption, and disgrace.

Dear young men and young women, do not follow the steps of the Satan, because they will lead you to his traps. Fear Allah secretly and openly, and let jealousy, abstinence, and wariness be your dress! Avoid scenes and situations that will incite your lusts to be safe from sins! Occupy yourselves with work, sport, and worships to be close to Allah, the Giver of happiness!

FOR A BETTER FUTURE

A great number of Muslim women suffer spinsterhood; what is the solution?

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Question: The phenomenon of spinsterhood in Muslim countries is painful and full of grief. In Egypt for example, statistics confirm that there are three million and eight hundred thousand unmarried girls who are past thirty years in age.
Studies attribute this matter to the excessive dowries and high costs of marriage besides that there are a great number of girls who are afraid of marriage itself.

Ahmad Rif’at, a member of the Royal Society of Psychological Diseases in Britain, says that the reasons for spinsterhood are due to the competition between men and women in the field of work after the competition has been limited to men for many years. Woman now wants to prove her existence in the practical fields before she wants to participate with a man in marital life; therefore her marriage becomes delayed and marriage opportunities also decrease.

The Egyptian doctor Mahmood Abdurrahman, a specialist in psychological medicine, thinks that the reasons behind the delay in marriage are due to the conditions girls or their families make (such as excessive dowries, the number of rooms in the future house, the job of the husband, and even his shape), and also the conditions men make (such as the age of the girl and a restriction that she must not have been engaged or married before).

Dr. Muna Jad, the dean of the College of Kindergartens in Cairo, says that the problem appears due to contradictions in which the youth live that have placed the youth in a state of being torn apart and feeling unstable and unsafe. The youth live in an atmosphere of imaginary wealth like they see in some foreign films and serials. They wish to live in those societies, but unfortunately they only see the outward characteristics of those societies and not the actual characteristics there. They see the good things only and not the bad things of those societies.

Dr. Muna Jad mentions that the problems of the youth increase when they cannot get married at a suitable age. Disappointment and despair overcome them, and then they deny their society and all that is around them. In fact, some of them may commit crimes and sins because of that, and hence, they destroy themselves and all that is around them.

Your Eminence Sheikh al-Muhtadi al-Bahrani, regarding this information, what is your opinion about the phenomenon of spinsterhood?

The answer: What these scholars have mentioned is true, but the researchers must study the hidden reasons for this phenomenon, which has never been a big problem in the history of Islam.

I ask: who attracts women to work in the common fields with men? The problem originates from the minds that are separate from the Islamic mentality and have been educated with Western cultures and have come back to manage the life of the Muslims according to what those cultures inspired in them. Those cultures have all the means to make people Muslims by name only while they are very far from Islam in their behaviors of solving their psychological and social problems and their political and economical crises.

Foreign films and serials undoubtedly have a great and dangerous influence on the phenomenon of spinsterhood. The films that have been produced in Egypt are not any less in their bad influences on Muslim societies than those that have been produced in foreign studios. The Egyptian libertine films and serials have played a serious role in taking Muslims away from their Islamic values and in destroying their moral principles. These films still affect the Arabic societies and serve the imperialistic plots there. Excessive dowries, denial of polygamy, encouragement of women to prefer divorce and spinsterhood in some way or another, justification of sins and family treason, and emphasis on the material aspects and indifference to the moral aspects in the marital life are Zionist goods that have been sold out to the public by the Egyptian films and serials. It is well-known that behind the cultural attack to corrupt the youth of the Islamic umma and to distribute the products of Zionist companies, like libertine films and other such things, are great foundations, abundant capitals, and hellish plans.

Of course, I am excluding the religious serials and good films that Egypt produces although, in comparison with the bad ones, they appear as withered flowers between huge thorns.

There is no doubt that spinsterhood has political, economical, and other reasons. The companies dealing with unlawful sex and its means are the first beneficiaries of deviations resulting from spinsterhood. The politicians of this material life and of sleepless nights also are beneficiaries, and they usually have authority over the media and culture. The reasons are interlaced and spinsterhood is one of the consequences of the great deviations of the umma.

As for the cure, it ought to be considered from four sides:

First, the state, which has the greatest abilities, can direct the culture of its people toward Islamic resolutions through schools, universities, and the media, especially through films and serials. It also has the ability to prevent economical foundations and establishments from exploiting spinsterhood by restricting employment of unmarried women in cabarets, ballrooms, and studios of libertine films and in their commercial requirements.

Second, charitable organizations can play a great role in resolving the problem of spinsterhood by collecting charities from good people and giving them to the youth whose poverty prevents them from getting married. These organizations can also make use of the successful experiment of collective weddings, as do charitable organizations in some Islamic countries, where they arrange one party for the weddings of hundreds of couples.

Third, Ulama’ and preachers play an important role in convincing society of the conception of the Sharia and the sunna of the Prophet (S) concerning the matter of polygamy and how a husband must be just to all of his wives equally. Explaining moral principles and emphasizing concepts like satisfaction, avoidance of selfishness and envy, contentment with the fate of Allah and His just determinations, regard for the afterlife, and management of worldly affairs according to reason and good morals will help the society do away with the problem of spinsterhood or limit it. What gives good news though is that when the temporary marriage (missyar), that has begun to find its way among the Sunni, is practiced according to its moral conditions, it will limit spinsterhood and secret debauchery; and if the temporary marriage of the Shia is also practiced according to its legal conditions, it will solve a great part of the problem.

Fourth, psychologists can play a great positive role in persuading society of the comprehensive resolutions of Islam if they first convince themselves of those resolutions and want, sincerely, to participate in resolving the problem.

Finally, I suggest forming a committee including notables of each of these four sides to study the problem in all its dimensions and then generate suitable solutions and cooperate in implementing these solutions.

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