Archive for category: Relations Between Couples

Question: My wife’s relatives interfere in the affairs of my marital life, and so they have made our life full of troubles. As for my wife, she is divided between her relatives and me. Her heart is with me, but her courtesies are with them, and all the while, confusion hovers as a cloud over her head. I do not know how to save her and myself from her curious family!

The answer: You can send some wise people as mediators to persuade your wife’s relatives to stop their interferences, which may destroy the happiness of their daughter if they truly want her happiness. But before all, let us be realistic. Please, think of yourself! Perhaps you practice a wrong behavior that needs to be repaired!

If you are certain about yourself, you should send mediators; otherwise, repair yourself and carry out these steps reasonably and with lenient morals:

1. Explain your opinions to your wife and let her stand with you in this ordeal to avoid any dispute or quarrel with her family!

2. Change your behavior towards her family and be lenient to them. Allah says,(Repel the evil deed with one which is better, then lo! he, between whom and you there was enmity (will become) as though he was a bosom friend).

3. Let you and your wife be busy with building your future, and do not listen to others’ criticism and disputes as long as you understand each other and look forward to the pleasure of Allah.

4. On some occasions, offer your wife’s relatives some presents to gain their love and to clear the old dregs from their hearts.

FOR A BETTER FUTURE

Question: My wife used to always attend religious meetings, but now she is interested only in material pleasures. She always insists that we change the furniture or I buy her clothes and other things that are beyond my financial ability. I talk to her about contentment, which I assume she has learnt about in those religious meetings, but she pays no attention. Once, I discussed this problem with a faithful man, and he advised me to prevent her from going to those meetings justifying that these meetings have become, in our present time, meetings of displaying fashions or discussing the matters of this material world. I did, but she became more obstinate and began disputing with me and threatened that she would go out in spite of me. Now, my life is full of problems with this wife. Would you please advise me what to do?

The answer: Acknowledging the miserable reality is the first step in repairing it. What you have mentioned about the meetings that are clothed in religion hurts the heart of every protective believer, and at the head of these protective people are Muhammad (S) and his pure progeny (a.s.).

Really, some meetings not only do not educate our women, but they also destroy the efforts of education made by the sincere people. The Prophet (S) warned us when he said to his successor Imam Ali (a.s.), ‘O Ali, whoever obeys his wife, Allah will throw him into the Fire.’ Imam Ali (a.s.) asked, ‘What obedience?’ The Prophet (S) said, ‘He permits her to go to meetings, weddings, meetings of weepers, and to put on transparent clothes.’

The solution I suggest comes through the following points (whether you follow all of them or some of them depends on your discretion in dealing with the problem and its concerns):

First, after explaining to her your wife’s state, allow a wise woman to befriend your wife and advise your wife from the wisdom she has received from her Lord.

Second, you can hold religious meetings in your house, if possible, and entrust your wife with some suitable responsibility that will occupy her and allow her to feel her personality. If it is not possible, you can take her to certain meetings after previously arranging with the preacher to choose a suitable subject. For example, let him talk about the saying of the Prophet (S), ‘There are three woman, who Allah frees from the torment of the grave and resurrects with Fatima az-Zahra’ (a.s.); a woman who is patient with the stinginess of her husband, a woman who is patient with the bad morals of her husband, and a woman who gives up her dowry to her husband.’

Third, you should follow calm ways to convince her, because the harms of anger, nervousness, and scolding are greater than their advantages. Perhaps a nice word, a nice gesture, a present, a smile, or a joke would treat many problems in a short amount of time.

Fourth, consider your financial ability and be realistic and sincere to the best of your abilities. If she wants a necessary thing and you are able to buy it for her, do so and do not be stingy for Allah grants kind people His expansive and lawful livelihood.

Fifth, you should try your best to improve your living conditions because remaining in poverty is something that religion does not accept.

Sixth, if these steps are of no use, you have to be patient and bear the problem until Allah determines what is best between you and your wife.

Seventh, if all of these attempts are useless, you would be better off threatening to divorce her, and then you can carry out a revocable divorce, because then you can return to her after she repents of her bad behaviors.

FOR A BETTER FUTURE

Question: I separated from my first husband because he was a drug addict, and for the past ten years, I have been married to a good man. He speaks little with me and pays more attention to his business. I wish we could sit together and discuss our interests, life affairs, educating our children, the news of the society and neighbors, or the like. Sometimes, I feel that I am full of speech but I do not find anyone beside me to whom I can talk. I tell my husband: please listen to me! He says: I have no time, and my mind is not ready to listen. Would you please suggest a solution to my problem?

The answer: Dear sister, you have to understand that people are different in their natures but they are similar in other aspects. Your good husband is different from you in some aspect, but this does not mean that he hates you or hates to listen to your speech. Some aspects are hereditary, others are related with the zodiacs, some are acquired since childhood, and others are acquired because of the surrounding environment and pressing difficulties that man faces due to political, economical, or social reasons. These difficulties afflict all people, but they cause some melancholy, others handicaps, others madness, others failure and deviation, and others great success – and this kind is found the least in people.

Dear sister, I suggest that you should try to talk with your other relatives, such as your parents, brothers, sisters, daughters, or your trusted neighbors. If you do not succeed, then you should accept the reality because satisfaction is a treasure that does not end, as mentioned in the Islamic traditions. It has also been mentioned that keeping silent and speaking little are better.

FOR A BETTER FUTURE

Question: What is the meaning of this verse “Men are the guardians of women”? Many men take it as an excuse to impose unjust control on their women.

The answer: In managing the affairs of marital life, there must be one decision-maker; otherwise, the family will become divided and fall into parts. It is the same with companies, banks, and government departments. They have one head, who is called manager, minister, or president, to make decisions. This does not imply the permitting of despotism. A manager, a minister, or a president, in spite of his authority, has to consult with others and has to take counselors. Even the messenger of Allah (S), who is the most perfect one among all human beings, has been ordered by Allah to consult with others by saying, (…and consult with them in the affair; so when you have decided, then place your trust in Allah).

In this verse, you see two orders: one of consulting and the other of determining. In the first order, there is a plural pronoun (consult with them) whereas in the other order there is a singular pronoun. It is understood that a final decision must be made by one person, and no more; otherwise, disagreement will not be settled by one decision. As we have said, a decision must be made after consulting with persons of common benefit and common fate. This means that guardianship should be for a decision-maker.

Here, we discuss the following question: if guardianship is to be claimed by either the husband or the wife, which one of them is preferred?

Islam prefers the husband over the wife for the following reasons:

1. Man in most cases has a greater ability of administration, control over his nerves, courage, freedom in going out of home, dealing with people, and dealing with the affairs of life than a woman.

2. If a woman works outdoors, she will be – in most cases – an easy game for hunters.

3. Because the husband is the one who initially establishes the family and the wife is a newcomer to the family, man is worthier of making a decision on what he establishes. For example, if you establish a company and invite someone qualified to assist you in administrating the company, would you not keep the conclusive decisions to yourself though you may regard the position of the one you have invited as a partner with you in administration?

4. Because the husband undertakes the financial responsibility of the family, it is natural that guardianship is his right. This is clear in the Qur’anic verse (Men are the guardians of women because Allah has made some of them to excel others and because they spend out of their property).

This matter, however, does not justify the unjust control of a man over his wife. Many men exploit their authorities to achieve personal benefits. This does not mean that this authority is wrong, but rather it is wrong when the authorized men misuse this authority selfishly to achieve their personal benefits.

If a keeper of a mosque or a Husayniyyah25 collects some money under the pretense of doing some religious projects, but he spends this money on his personal purposes, do we condemn the mosque, the Husayniyyah, and the religious projects or do we condemn that disloyal person?

When Islam gave this guardianship to man, it ordered him to be fair, honest, and wise. If man is not so, then the wrong lies in man himself and not in the verdict of guardianship.

I do not think that there is a woman who refuses to be the wife of a man who is bound by the conditions of guardianship and its Islamic principles.

We ask: can a husband authorize his wife with this guardianship?

The answer: Yes, he has the right to convey his right to his wife. Thus, Islam does not determine the despotism of men; rather, Islam organizes the administration of a happy marital life, and thus guardianship is a positive thing as long as the husband has positive qualities.

FOR A BETTER FUTURE

Question: I have a friend whose wife is sick and she cannot satisfy his sexual desire. At the same time, she strongly refuses to let him marry another wife. She acts like she’ll die whenever he wants to discuss this subject with her, though he has the right to marry another wife even if his first wife is sound. Then, how about it when she is sick? I wonder at the selfishness and the unjust jealousy of such women towards their poor husbands! My friend is always nervous because of his wife who is not ready to talk about polygamy. What do you suggest for a solution? Should my friend continue living with his wife and remain without children, satisfied lust, or comfort or should he marry another one regardless of what will happen?

The answer: This husband has the right to get married whether in order to get children, to satisfy his sexual lust, or to relieve his strained nerves, but executing this right requires great wisdom in caring for the moral side. He, to the extent of his abilities, has to convince his wife and assure her that he will not leave her alone or ignore her if she agrees on his marriage to another wife, rather her agreement shall make him love and respect her more. He must carry out his promise to her after her agreement.

If this attempt does not succeed, he should send some wise relatives of hers to convince her and explain to her the divine verdict in this concern. They should explain to her that by preventing her husband from marrying another, she will bring upon herself the wrath of Allah that will lead her to the torment of the afterlife because, by doing so, she denies one of the verdicts of Allah and prohibits a lawful right of her husband on the one hand, and on the other hand, she may lead her husband to commit unlawful acts. In fact, her permission is not a condition for the validity of her husband’s second marriage, but it is just a moral requirement.

If this attempt does not succeed either, then the decision is up to the husband whether he wants to live with her and make sacrifices for her or if he wants to get married to another, regardless of the consequences.

I myself know someone who went ahead and married another wife in spite of his wife’s threats, and then she submitted to the reality. However, I also know other people who married additional wives in spite of their wives’ threats, and their wives did in fact carry out their threats and caused their husbands many troubles.

I do not know which type the wife of your friend will be! I pray to Allah that she recovers her health and makes her husband happy, and I hope she will find pleasure in submitting to the verdict of Allah because nothing will be more useful to her than the verdicts of Allah, which surely have wisdom and advantages that may be unknown by man, for Allah is more aware than us.

Such women have to think of the pleasure of Allah and their ends in the afterlife. This life is transient and ages are too short however much they last! Then, let these women do good deeds and leave good remembrances after them!

FOR A BETTER FUTURE